#putting this here for the two other people that still think about them

[lovecla]

TEACH ME (HOW TO MAKE HIM COME) | jack hughes.

nsfw, @lovecla’s kinktober collection, chapter five:

<last chapter>

➴ chapter warnings: p in v, unprotected sex (don’t do this kids), semi-public sex (don’t do this either), jealous jack, dirty talk.

➴ word count: 3.7k

💌 from me to you: you asked, and you shall receive. thank u so much for all the love you all gave to TM(HTMHC) and i hope this final chapter can make u guys happy. sorry if it sucks, though. hope y’all still like me :,)

𖧷

AS YOU put on Trevor’s jersey, you contemplate tonight's game.

It’s November again; the leaves keep falling from the trees, the wind is still cold and impersonal. You’re still tired from all the studying, constantly reevaluating yourself and staying up until late at night to write papers.

Life is still as simple as it was before everything. Before crushing on Zack, before going back to Newark in Summer, before sleeping with Jack Hughes, although— Is it really?

You and Jack hadn’t done anything in months. After fucking him for the last time, you woke up with a Trevor Zegras holding a Hockey stick and ready to break it in half with the help of Jack’s head, which made you snap at him.

“What is your problem, Trevor?!” You yell, barely awake and already pissed off at your brother’s doing. “Why are you here at seven in the morning, yelling at Jack and— is that a stick?”

Trevor lifts it up proudly, like he’s okay with beating Jack up. “Yeah, it is! And it’s about to see Jack’s pretty face.”

“Well—” Jack tries, but you’re not hearing any of it.

“Stop acting like I’m fifteen or whatever. If I want to have sex with him, then I will.”

“What— oh my God. See, this is why I never wanted you to be friends with her. They always end up falling in love, man,” Trevor shouts at Jack, who’s doing his best to hold in his laughter. It isn’t doing much, though. “Sarah, Jack isn’t the right guy for you! He’s a man whore!”

“Y’know I’m still here righ—”

“I don’t care, Trevor, geez,” you sit down on Jack’s couch, covering your face with your hands before speaking again. “I understand why you’re upset and I appreciate the fact that you’re taking care of me, but I’m an adult. I know how to take care of myself.”

“You’re twenty—”

“Besides,” Jack starts, this time his face is serious and his arms are crossed in front of his chest. “I’m not gonna hurt her, you asshole. Have a little faith in me, no?”

“No?” Trevor scoffs, putting the stick down. “This is ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous is you thinking Sarah can’t stand up for herself, or that I will do anything to hurt her, intentionally. Like she’s just another one. Fuck off, Z.”

Trevor wouldn’t stop commenting about the two of you together, even when Jack wasn’t around you. It was tiring to say the least, so you decided to take the matter into your own hands and tell Jack that you were both done.

It was ridiculous, really, since you’ve grown to appreciate Jack’s company, not only as a friend, but as a possible future partner. Getting away from him wasn’t ideal, but if that was you needed to make Trevor shut up, then you’d do it.

Occasionally, you’d text each other, just normal conversations about how you’re doing, and how you’d wish you were together rather than studying for finals.

But today, the Devils were in Anaheim, playing against your brother’s team and you were going to watch them, for the first time ever. Not only you, though. It looks like all of your colleagues and friends are going— you’ve lost count of how many people texted you asking for free tickets.

You were agitated, since everything could go wrong tonight: your brother could go crazy and risk a penalty for punching Jack in the face, you and Jack would see each other after months and Zack was also going to be there.

In your defense, it hadn’t been your idea in the first place. Kiara suggested that you give the extra ticket Trevor gave to you to him, because it’d be a good excuse to talk to him and to leave the whole Jack situation behind.

But the truth is, you’re not really sure if you want to “leave the whole Jack situation behind”. You like him and you know he likes you back. Even though you had the biggest infatuation for Zack, it didn’t hold a candle to what Jack made you feel whenever he was inside you.

But, oh, well.

Now, it’s probably too late to ask Jack to try again. And even if it made you feel a little weird, you knew it was probably best this way.

𖧷

“OH, MAN, I can’t believe we lost.”

Zack’s complaints make you laugh. “I mean, it was kinda obvious. But, yeah, losing 6-2 is really tough.”

“We played well, though,” Kiara adds, trying to sound convincing. You and Zack both funnily stare at each other, choosing not to say anything. “Y’all are just mean. Sarah, it’s your brother’s team!”

“I know, I know,” you snicker. “Sorry. I’ll tell him he played well.”

“You’re seeing him tonight?” Zack asks, his brown eyes expressing curiosity. “Can I come? The Devils are fucking awesome!”

“Yes, we have, like, a little get together party, if you know what I mean,” you shrug, biting your lips. “I mean, you can definitely come if you want.”

Kiara eyes you eagerly as Zack smiles brightly at you, saying “thank you” at least a thousand times and rambling about how excited he was to meet actual NHL players in person.

You didn’t know if it had been a good idea to invite him, but you just felt bad to leave him out of the celebration— or what was supposed to be a celebration before Anaheim lost 6-2— since he was a huge Hockey fan. And even if you’re not all that interested in him anymore, he’s cool to hang out with.

Ever since you came back from Newark you’ve been spending more time with Zack. If anyone asks you anything, you won’t be able to tell them why is that, but you’re not complaining. It’s probably due to fact that you’re not that interested in him anymore, so you don’t have to worry about pleasing him all the time.

Now, you had much more interesting people to please.

You all walk to the dinner hall, where a bunch of players and coaches were talking and dining together, the Devils being loud and proud after a well played game, while most of the Ducks had pouty lips and frowns.

You walked around with Zack and Kiara, and quickly finding your brother, his loud voice outstanding everyone else’s.

“Holy fuck, that’s Jack Hughes.” Zack said, his tone not hiding his surprise and admiration.

You immediately turn your head to the side, confirming that Jack Hughes is, indeed, just a few steps ahead of you, chatting with your brother and a bunch of other players.

“Well, well, well…” Kiara whispers beside you and you discreetly shove her with your elbow, making her shove you back, playfully.

“I mean, we don’t have to talk to them right now, right?” You say, trying to find a way out. “They’re probably sad. I’d be sad if I lost a game.”

“Girl, what are you talking about?” Kiara rolls her eyes, clearly not taking a hint.

“Sarah, you can’t be serious!” Zack laughs, grabbing your hand and pulling you forward. You widen your eyes, staring at his hand covering yours and then looking back at Kiara, who just looks like she’s having the time of her life.

Zack keeps his hand around yours as you approach your brother’s group, Jack’s eyes finding yours immediately before falling to your hands.

“Oh, hey there, ugly duck,” Trevor smiles at you, and you take advantage of the opportunity so you can separate your hand from Zack’s, walking until you’re hugging Trevor tighter than you had ever done before. “What the hell, why are you squeezing me?”

You wanted to punch him. “Oh, I just feel so sorry for you guys!” You try to sound devastated. “Losing is tough.”

“They’re used to it, aren’t you, chickens?” Bratt says, making people around you laugh, as your brother’s frown deepened.

“Fuck you.” Vatrano hisses back, and you let go of Trevor, standing beside him.

Someone calls some of the guys, and you almost yell at them so that they wouldn’t leave, but they do, leaving you alone with Trevor and. Well, Jack.

“I’m a huge fan!” Zack starts, smiling at Jack like he’s God almighty himself.

“Oh, really.” Jack says, and you can tell he’s not even trying to sound nice. You frown.

“Yeah. Ever since you joined the NHL. A long time ago.” Zack probably doesn’t notice Jack’s lack of manners, or if he does, he doesn’t say anything, continuing the conversation eagerly.

“Are you calling me old?” Jack raises his eyebrows, and Zack laughs, clearly oblivious.

Trevor eyes you weirdly, already familiar with Jack’s attitude problem.

“This sassy mean apocalypse needs to stop.” Kiara whispers in your ear and you’re seriously just two steps away from shoving her again.

“I was talking to my girl over there, you guys are fucking awesome and—”

“Your girl?”

You see, usually you’d expect this question to come out of Trevor’s lips, since he’s the most annoying person in the world. But once you saw Jack’s eyes turning a deep, ocean blue shade and his face starting to get red, you realize, with surprise, that Jack was the one who asked that.

You stare at him, but he wouldn’t look at you. He was staring at Zack, with his hands in his pocket.

“Oh, yeah, Sarah.”

A year ago you wouldn’t believe if anyone told you that you would want to kill Zack Brian with your own two hands, but at this moment, it’s all you want to do.

Why the hell is he talking about you like that?

“I didn’t know you were dating, Sarah.”

You gulp, looking up at Jack’s upset face, shaking your head immediately.

“Yeah, little sis, I also didn’t know you were dating.” Trevor said, wanting to sound angry, but you knew him well enough to realize that he was holding back his laughter, just like the little shit he is.

“I’m not— Zack and I aren’t dating.” You stutter, alternately looking at Jack and Trevor.

“Oh. You’re Zack?”

Jack can’t fucking be serious.

Zack is happy and smiling again. “Hell yes I am! Can we, like, take a picture together or something?”

This time, Trevor steps in and coughs, politely interrupting the conversation and finally— finally— doing something about this whole mess. “Sorry, man, can’t do it. We have to head back to the party, otherwise our coaches will kill us.”

You knew it was a lie, Keefe and Cronin didn’t care whether their players took pictures with people or missed parties. As long as they stayed out of trouble and played well, they didn’t really mind their players’ personal lives.

But you wouldn’t say anything, not when you were already in trouble.

“Oh, that’s fine, it’s cool,” Zack shrugs, not hiding his disappointment. You almost pass out when you catch a glimpse of a smile on Jack’s lips. “I’m sure we’ll have plenty of other opportunities.”

“Sure, sure,” Trevor smiles, throwing his arms around you once again. “Are you coming?”

“Oh, I—” you look around, biting your lips. “I don’t want to leave Zack alone.”

Even though you did want to leave him alone, you just couldn’t. He had been so excited when you invited him to the game, talking about it for an entire week before tonight.

“He can come too.”

You stare at Jack, not missing the way his lips curled up, and his eyes still looked darker.

“Type shit? You really are the goat, man, fuck yeah!” Zack celebrates and you stare at Kiara, who’s also looking a little bit worried now.

“Great,” you say through your teeth, stepping away from Trevor. “Let’s go, then.”

God, please help me.

𖧷

“SO, FOR how long have you and Sarah been friends?”

You wanted to smash Trevor’s face against a wall and twist his arm until he started crying.

You were sitting at his table, surrounded by other players, Kiara, Zack, Luke and Jack. Fortunately, Kiara had been successful at keeping Jack and Luke bored with her stories about college drama, so Jack wasn’t really focusing on you, or Zack for that matter.

Unlike Trevor, who’s constantly making remarks about your friendship.

“Not long.” You answer, shooting daggers at him with your eyes.

“But you seem really close.” He insists, smiling innocently.

“Sarah’s really cool,” Zack starts, and again you remind yourself that if he had said this not even seven months ago, you’d be smiling and dancing. But now, all you want is to tell him to leave. “We get along really well.”

“She’s a sweetheart, isn’t she? I’m glad to call her my sister.”

“Trevor,” you smile, kicking him under the table. “Stop it.”

“No, no, I like when people compliment you. Makes me proud—”

You get up abruptly, making at least five people look at you, Jack included. Blushing, you smile awkwardly. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Excuse me.”

Walking fast, you make your way to the bathroom, walking down an empty hallway, finding the bathroom quickly. You got in, thanking God that no one was in there.

Jesus. What the hell is going on with both Jack and Trevor?

You understood if Jack was upset with you, because if it was the other way around, you would be just the same, even if you weren’t an actual couple. But Trevor helping the fire grow? He’s just being a child.

“He’s so obvious it’s embarrassing.”

Letting out a yelp, you stare at the man you’ve been thinking of everyday since the Summer, who’s now leaning against the bathroom door and smirking at you.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, crossing your arms in front of you.

“Well, you’re clearly not peeing,” he starts, approaching you slowly. “And I can’t stand that dick face anymore. Does he not know that complimenting you to your brother won’t get him anything?”

“Leave him alone, Jack,” you roll your eyes. “He’s just being nice.”

“He’s into you. You know that, right?”

You scoff, finding it genuinely funny. “Of course he isn’t. We’re just friends. He’s just being nice, I just told you.”

“I thought you were a smart girl.” He wets his lips and not looking at it feels like fighting against ten thousand demons.

“Are you calling me dumb? To my face?” You raise your brow, watching as he frowns.

“I’m just saying that I thought you weren’t so oblivious, baby. When I told you you’re everyone’s type? I meant it.”

“Jack,” you sigh, defeated. “Why are we having this conversation?”

“Because,” he steps closer, looking down at you. “It drives me insane to think that there’s a fuckhead sitting just a few feet away from us that thinks he’s the shit and won’t take your name out of his mouth.”

Your eyes softened, and you smile at him. “You’re jealous.”

“That’s for people who are insecure, baby. And that you already know that I’m not,” he smirks, resting his right hand on your chin, and you can feel his breath hit your face, making you hold back an embarrassing sound. “Do you need me to remind you how good I am?”

Your eyes double in size and you shake your head.

“Are you insane?” You shout-whisper. “You’re supposed to be back in New Jersey in a few hours. This is your team’s celebration dinner, for God’s sake. You’re not even supposed to be here.”

“And yet, here I am.”

He kisses you bruisingly, your teeth touching with the agressive yet extremely sweet action, and you moan inside his mouth, not realising, until now, how much you’ve missed him.

It was wrong but not kissing him felt even more wrong.

He gently pushes you further into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and putting you on the counter, making you hiss with the coldness of the marble against your exposed thighs and throbbing core.

“Jack.”

“Fuck, I missed hearing you say my name. One more time for me, pretty.”

“Jack.”

He kisses you again, and you busy yourself with messing up his hair, still a little bit damp from his previous shower. It smells nice and fresh, just like the rest of his body.

“We need to be quick,” You whisper against his mouth, his eyes staring at you, lust and desire written all over his face. “We’re not even supposed to be here and we don’t have time—”

“Put your hands on that wall over there,” he whispers, signaling to the wall on the other side of the bathroom. “I’m gonna fuck you from behind. Is that okay?”

“As long as you fuck me.” You shrug, getting off the counter and doing as he says.

He laughs. “I’ve created a monster.”

He’s quickly behind you, and you hear the filthy sound of his hands unzipping his fancy pants, as you quickly lift your skirt, putting your panties to the side.

“Spit.” Jack asks— orders—, putting his hand in front of your lips, and you do, the red that painted your cheeks deepening.

He’s inside you not long after that, and you both moan loudly, forgetting for a few seconds that there are at least one hundred people outside. You can feel your walls squeezing his cock as you try to find some kind of support on the wall in front of you.

“Jesus fuck, Sarah, how are you even tighter than last time?”

“Because, ah,” he’s pouding against you, the sound of his crouch slapping against your ass making you feel dirty and so fucking good. “Haven’t been with a-anyone else.”

“No?” You can hear the smirk on his face. “Just your little fingers then?”

You nod with your head, eagerly moving it up and down, moaning loudly and just a few seconds away from ruining your makeup.

“Baby, you need to be quiet,” Jack says, and his hand slowly leaves your waist, making its way to your mouth, caressing your entire body before it covers your lips completely. “I love it when you’re loud but have you forgotten we’re not alone?”

You roll your eyes at him, as he keeps hitting that spot inside you that makes you see the entire galaxy without needing a telescope. His dick is deep inside you, so fucking deep.

“Jack, fu—”

“Sarah?”

You and Jack both freeze as Zack’s voice echoes through the room. He removes his hand from your mouth and rests his forehead against your head.

“Oh my God.” You whisper, ready to remove yourself from Jack’s grip and leave the bathroom.

Jack doesn’t have the same thought as you, though. He removes his length until just the tip is inside you, just to slam his cock inside of you again, reaching deeper than before.

You bite your lips hardly, feeling the taste of coper fill your mouth, the pain of tearing your lips hardly noticeable— your heart was beating so fast inside your chest that it seemed too insignificant to be preoccupied with a little bit of blood.

“Sarah, are you okay?”

“Answer him,” Jack whispers, as he keeps fucking you, this time reaching down and rubbing your swollen clit too. “Sarah. Answer him.”

“I— I—,” stuttering, you try to focus. “Y-yes?”

“Are you okay? You’ve been in there for a while.”

Jack pinches your sensitive nub and you can feel the tears start to form in your eyes.

“Pretty.”

“I’m, f-fine, ah,” you shake your head, putting your hand on top of Jack’s but not making any move to stop him. “Just— headache.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want any help?”

“Fucking asshole,” Jack mumbles, your orgasm building up quickly than ever. “Tell him you’re fine, baby. Come on.”

“I’m fine, ah, thank you.” Biting your own hand, you feel your body shivering underneath Jack’s. “I’ll be b-back in just a second.”

“Alright,” Zack sounds convinced. “I’ll warn your brother.”

Even with your loud breathing you can hear Zack’s steps as he gets further away from the bathroom, and you barely have time to think properly before Jack is slamming his cock hard and fast inside of you again.

“You’re so fucking wet, baby, tell me. Does it turn you on the fact that anyone could catch us at any moment?”

Yes.

“Too bad I don’t share what’s mine.”

“Jack—”

“Fucking asshole wanted to be the one inside you right now,” he snarls. “No one will ever fuck you like I do, baby.”

“Hmh,”

“This pussy here,” he pinches your clit again, twisting it between his fingers making you gasp for air. “Will only get this wet for me.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck—”

“You were made to take my cock, baby. Made to be mine.”

Your makeup was most definitely ruined by now. It didn’t matter. Your mind was too focused on coming to care about anything else.

“Say it, baby, come on.” Jack whispers in your ear, kissing your neck afterwards.

“It’s yours, Jack,” you nod with your head, feeling your orgasm closer than before. “I’m yours, and I missed you so bad and—”

You come on his fingers, your thighs shaking as he continues to poud on you, not caring if you’re sensitive or not. He takes his dick out of your pussy after a few more thrusts, coming all over your cheeks.

Your uncontrolled breathing fills up the entire room, the smell of sex and sweat making you blush. Jack’s forehead is on your shoulder, and you can sense he’s just as tired as you.

“Sarah,” he mumbled, and you sigh, humming. “Be my girlfriend. I don’t care about Zegras, I never did. I’ll let him beat me up everyday if that means you’ll be the one helping me get up at the end of the day.”

You chuckle tiredly. “So romantic, aren’t you, Hughes?”

“I try my best.” He murmurs against your skin.

“I will be your girlfriend. But just know that if you cheat on me, or anything like that, Trevor will fuck you up, and I’ll let him.” You say, laughing quietly.

He moves so he can grab a piece of paper, wetting it and cleaning you, making you shiver with the cold water on your back.

“If my own brothers don’t kill me first.”

“Touche.”



[dontbesoweirdkira]

Hi! I love your interpretation of the yan batfam so much bdnfbfkjfnd I was wonderong how you think Dick and/or Jason would react to a rather compassionate batsis?

She's definitely not on board with their obsession but she can understand where their coming from and gives them like ACTUAL compassion.

Ik you said Dick enjoys having a positive image in front of others most of all his younger sister, so how would he react to her seeing his flaws but still, being kind? Jason strives to be "normal", so much so he spirals sometimes, but like what would knowing/experiencing genuine closeness (not pity or false pretenses) change?

Idk if either of them would redeem their bad habits, but am curious to know what being truly seen and accepted would do to them, especially by someone they care about so much. The bats can have their walls pretty high up after all

A/N: sorry about the late responses. I've been out of it the past few days.

context dick context jay

Okay so when you are dealing with yanderes... you are dealing with extremely unstable people. There are so many ways thus could go but here's just one

Dick

Maybe your compassion makes Dick chill out a bit with his unhealthy tendencies. I think initially he'd still be uncomfortable and bothered that you can see right through him. You can see all his flaws and you don't revere him like the others which is bad. It will still anger him and he'll try manipulating you into loving him like everyone does at first.

A heart to heart with him could work. You acknowledge you know he's crumbling and has really horrible coping mechanisms but that doesn't mean that you don't love him. That you respect him even more because you see just how much passion he puts into everything that he does. It isn't his fault he craves so much validation when he had the upbringing he had but he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not to please you. That even if he doesn't smile as much or be selfish sometimes that you won't love him any less. You give him a space to be authentic with you with no judgment.

"erm,,,okay. I'll keep that in mind."

He's a bit taken back by it and doesn't know how to exactly process what you just said. I've mentioned before that he doesn't exactly know how to just be himself because for most of his life he was always being someone that others needed.

He's still on guard for a while. He will dip his toes in the waters by maybe not smiling as much with you or rescheduling your hang out session to go out on a date just to see your reaction. Did you truly mean it when you said he was allowed to be selfish? He was fully expecting you to hate him but seeing just how unbothered you were made him go...oh!

I think this shifts his obsession with you. He's still very much yandere but i think he's much more child-like ? I mean Dick still is obsessed with you and all that jazz but before, he wanted to be the best older brother/father figure. His happiness was dependent on how much you needed and revered him. But now you're becoming his safety blanket for when he's stressed, tired or upset. WIth you he can just lay on your shoulders without speaking and you won't even mind. He can be kind of assholey or dark and you will understand he's just in a mood and what he says never leaves the two of you. You won't take away your compassion or love based on how he acts...the first non-transactional relationship he's ever truly and it's pretty great. He finally feels like a brother and not like he's playing house anymore.

Don't get me wrong, he's still your older brother who gets on your nerves but there's just this mutual appreciation there that lacks with the others.It's clear to the others that he loves you just a bit more than the rest. When it's movie/game nights, he will allow you to sit it out or not tag along to restaurants. He's very protective and defensive over you. He doesn't feel as much of a need to do all that stupid crap with you because if he wanted your time, he could have a peaceful moment on the rooftops with you instead.

Jason

Hmm..i think Jason will just always feel a bit outcasted. There are plenty of people who do care about Jason in the comics but it's hard to relate to someone who's been through what he's been. It's just so unique to him. He knows you don't truly understand what it's like to have spirits of the Lazarus haunting you in your sleep. He knows that you cannot feel the pain of being replaced by someone you're now forced to see as a brother.

When i wrote my last piece a few people took it as me saying the reader found Jason to be odd. Really what it was is that Jason put those thoughts into his own head because he internalized the joke because of his own insecurities. The reader was perfectly fine with Jason being a little off...it made sense as he would've just come back from being dead and is trying to find a bit of normalcy.

It's funny though because while he's trying to be "independent" it's painfully clear he's still very much attached to you and is still unknowingly mimicking you.

I think though if reader sat down with Jason and explained he doesn't need to change or be "normal" because you love him the way he is, maybe he will relax a bit. But i think there would always be voices in Jason's ears telling him he needs to be perfect. My version of jason is around 20-ish year old who is a bit emotionally stunted and disoriented because he's just coming out of the pit. After a few years of being integrated back into the family he'll understand that you actually do love him as a brother and he serves a great purpose even if that purpose doesn't look the same as Dick's.

[wallowslistener]

soft for you. ೨ৎ r. cameron x reader

𐙚˚ rafe cameron x fem!reader. fluff. 0.6k words.

✦ rafe cameron wasn’t the type of guy to linger, and he certainly wasn’t the type to care. not about people, at least. but lately, you’d noticed something different in his behavior when he was around you. smaller gestures, slight hesitations, and moments when he looked at you with a softness that you didn’t see when he was around others.

it started with the little things. like tonight, at a kook party, the sounds of laughter and music were thick in the air. rafe was doing his usual thing, flitting around with his friends, smirking at half the people in the room, and pretending he owned it. you’d slipped outside, escaping the loud music for some fresh air, thinking you’d gone unnoticed.

but after a few minutes, you heard footsteps behind you.

“could’ve at least let me know where you were going,” rafe muttered, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. he had that same guarded look on his face, but his eyes held something else. something closer to concern than his usual indifference. 

you blinked at him, a bit surprised by his tone. “didn’t know i needed permission to step outside.”

he rolled his eyes, but he didn’t walk away. instead, he settled beside you on the railing, a little closer than you’d expected, his shoulder almost brushing against yours. the two of you stood there in silence for a moment, the only sounds being the music from the house and the distant waves crashing against the shore.

“you don’t,” he said after a pause, softer than his usual tone. “i just... i don’t like people messing with you out here.”

you glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. “are you worried about me, rafe cameron?”

he scoffed, looking away quickly, but you caught the faintest flush on his cheeks. “nah, don’t get a big head about it. it’s just... you don’t know how people are around here.”

his voice softened as he spoke, his gaze drifting away, as though he didn’t want you to see the look in his eyes. you’d known rafe long enough to recognize that he hid his feelings, especially when they made him feel vulnerable. he didn’t do soft; he did reckless, intense, sometimes cruel. But never gentle.

still, he lingered, staying close, his posture just a little more relaxed. every now and then, you’d catch him looking at you, his eyes holding something unspoken, something that seemed to surprise even him.

after a moment, you sighed, nudging his shoulder lightly. “you’re not as tough as you think, rafe.”

he glanced at you sharply, his face going blank for a second. then, to your surprise, he gave a quiet chuckle, his lips curving into a half smile. “you really don’t get it, do you?”

you tilted your head, intrigued by the shift in his demeanor. “get what?”

“that you’re the one thing I actually care about,” he murmured, his voice so low it was almost lost in the sounds around you. he turned his gaze back to the ocean, his jaw clenched as if he’d just said something he regretted.

but then, he let out a sigh, his shoulders relaxing as he looked at you again, his eyes softer than you’d ever seen them. “i don’t know how you did it, but… yeah, i guess i do have a soft spot for you. don’t tell anyone, alright?”

a soft laugh escaped your lips, and you nodded. “your secret’s safe with me, rafe.”

for once, he didn’t put on an act, didn’t flash that cocky smile or make a sharp comment. he just looked at you, his eyes holding a quiet sincerity that made your heart skip. in that moment, rafe cameron wasn’t the reckless, troubled guy everyone thought he was. he was just a boy with a soft spot. one he was finally beginning to accept.

[meazalykov]

wrong number

bayern munich frauen x reader

1/6, 2/6, 3/6, 4/6, 5/6, 6/6

"who are you, and why do you have my number?"

you've been preparing for this move for what feels like forever.

the idea of leaving your small hometown in virginia to live in munich is both exciting and terrifying. you’ve spent weeks packing your things, saying goodbyes, and trying to mentally prepare yourself for the massive change that’s about to happen. 

sure, you’ve dreamed about studying abroad for a long time. now that it’s here, the reality of it feels overwhelming.

you’re going to be thousands of miles away from home, from everything you’ve ever known. your family is supportive, and your friends have been hyping you up nonstop. yasmeen, your closest friend, has been particularly great about helping you stay grounded, always there to distract you from the “what ifs” when the anxiety gets a little too intense. 

today is one of those days.

the two of you had planned a mall trip—something normal and fun before the whirlwind of final packing and travel arrangements takes over. well, yasmeen says that you need a new closet for munich and you don’t disagree.

it feels good to be doing something so ordinary, especially when you know that soon enough, everything in your life is about to be not-so-ordinary. 

you’ve been to this mall a hundred times with yasmeen, today feels a little more special though. maybe it’s because you’re hyperaware that you won’t have moments like these once you’re in germany.

will you make friends in germany? what if germany turns out horribly? are the people nice? is there xenophobia you might experience due to yourself being american? these thoughts plagued the back of your mind. 

"you’re gonna miss me so much, you know that, right?" yasmeen teases as the two of you walk through the mall’s food court, eyeing the chick-fil-a counter but opting for chipotle instead.

you roll your eyes playfully, nudging her with your elbow with the arm that's carrying your aritzia bag. 

"i’ll miss your constant harassment, that’s for sure."

"constant harassment? i’m literally the best thing that ever happened to you!"

"okay, sure," you laugh. 

honestly, yasmeen has been a huge part of your life for the past few years. she was the first person you clicked with back in high school, and now it feels weird to think about going through the next few years without her by your side. 

you’re trying not to dwell on it, though. you’ll still have facetime, you tell yourself. 

after grabbing and eating your rice bowls, you both head toward the stores. it’s one of those days where everything feels easy—there’s no pressure to buy anything. you did though obviously.

at one point, yasmeen holds up a bright red kit with a smirk.

"ouu a bayern munich kittt. you should totally buy it, you will fit in with the munich community."

you tilt your head, laughing. 

"what is that? i don’t even watch soccer."

"woah! you better once you hit germany– i heard soccer to them is like how the nfl is to americans."

you shake your head but decide to try it on anyway. yasmeen snaps a photo and tells you that you look like you’re about to cheer for some random german soccer team. 

you don’t think much of it and put the jersey back, moving on to the next store.

as the day goes on, you feel a strange mix of contentment and anticipation. it’s nice being here, with your best friend, doing normal things, but there’s a part of you that’s itching to start this next chapter of your life. 

it’s like you’re stuck in this weird limbo between your old life and the new one that’s waiting for you on the other side of the world.

eventually, after several hours of shopping, you realize your phone had died. you don’t even remember when it happened. 

you’ve been so caught up in the moment with yasmeen that you didn’t notice the battery draining.

"ugh, my phone’s dead," you say, glancing at the blank screen.

yasmeen shrugs. 

"mine’s still good. if anything, i can call you an uber."

"nah, i’m good. i’ll just charge it when i get home."

you both grab shoes at birkenstock before say your goodbyes outside the mall. yasmeen gives you an extra tight hug. 

"don’t get caught up with your european friends and forgetting about me, okay?"

"never," you promise.

when you get home, you immediately plug your phone into the charger and head straight to the shower. 

the hot water feels good against your skin, washing away the stress of the day. you’ve got so much on your mind—packing, travel plans, what your life is going to look like in a few weeks—but right now, standing under the stream of water, you feel calm. 

you let your thoughts drift away and focus on the simple rhythm of the water hitting your shoulders.

when you finally get out of the shower, you feel refreshed, like maybe you can tackle all the things on your to-do list without getting overwhelmed.

when you grab your phone and take it off of your charger, you notice something strange. 

it’s blowing up with notifications. you squint at the screen, trying to make sense of what’s happening. 

there’s a new group chat, and it’s filled with numbers you don’t recognize.

confused, you open the messages. the chat is already deep into a conversation about something, but none of it makes sense to you.

+49 176 1234567: pernille you’re AMAZING wtf was that!!!!????? 

+49 171 7654321: arsenals defense during this match had nothing on you or syd holy shit

your brows furrow. arsenal? match? what are they talking about? you know absolutely nothing about this conversation. 

hell, you’re not even sure what country arsenal plays for. the confusion only grows as you scroll up to see more of the conversation.

you: hi?

almost immediately, your message is met with a flood of responses.

+49 171 7654321: giulia! finally! where have you been?

+49 178 1233567: we’ve been trying to reach all day, i know we had no training but are you okay?

your heart skips a beat. giulia? who the hell is giulia? you’ve definitely never gone by that name.

you: uh, i think you’ve got the wrong number. i’m not giulia.

for a moment, the chat goes silent. you stare at your phone, wondering if you should just leave the group.

before you can, a new message pops up.

+49 176 1234567: wait, what?

+49 171 7654321: did we add the wrong number again?

+49 171 11122222: sydney, you’re an idiot. you added the wrong number!

there’s a pause before a new number is added to the group.

+49 152 3334444: you guys finally added me.

you assume this is the real giulia. still, no one seems to be kicking you out of the chat, and before you know it, the conversation picks up again.

+49 176 1234567: giulia, you missed our whole debate about the arsenal match.

+49 171 7654321: yeah, and we were saying bayern needs to keep it up for juventus.

you stare at your phone, more confused than ever. arsenal, bayern… these are clearly soccer teams, but why are they talking to you? you don’t even watch soccer. eventually, you decide to chime in.

you: um?? i have no idea what any of you are talking about. 

this time, the chat explodes with messages.

+49 171 7654321: what?!

+49 176 1234567: how do you not know bayern munich?

+49 175 7778888: do you watch fusball? 

+49 171 1112222: okay, who are you?

+44 177 9900000: ok guys that makes me feel better about this not being a crazy fan.

+49 170 4479173: i agree with georgia 

you explain your situation—that you’re a 21-year-old college student from virginia, and you somehow got added to this group chat by mistake. 

you tell them about your upcoming move to munich for your study abroad program, hoping to clear up the confusion.

+49 152 3334444: wait… you’re moving to munich? like… munich, germany?

+49 171 7654321: that’s insane omg we all live in munich.

+44 171 9900000: wtffff 

+49 176 1234567: this is such a weird coincidence.

you blink at your screen. this is getting stranger by the second. what are the odds that you’d get added to a random group chat full of people who live in the exact city you’re about to move to?

+49 171 1112222: okay, but how do we know you’re not some creepy dude pretending to be a girl?

+49 172 4567389: LMAO LENA 

+57 170 9193831: wait… 

you roll your eyes at the suspicion but understand why they might be cautious. so, you send them your instagram handle to prove you’re real. 

you: ew, i am not some old dude. @ y/n.l/n is my insta, just me out for yourselves.

after a few minutes, messages start pouring in again.

+49 152 3334444: yep, she’s legit.

+49 176 1234567: okay, cool. she seems sweet.

+49 171 9718193: guys laura would love her photography skills

you: who’s laura

+49 171 9900000: someone from the german national team. she plays in frankfurt

+44 177 9900000: this is so cool idky why.. usually i’d be freaked out

a few new followers pop up on your instagram notifications, and you open the app to check. you almost drop your phone when you see that some of the accounts following you are verified. 

*sydneylohmann is now following you*

and another 

*georgiastanway is now following you* 

*tuvahansen is now following you* 

and more.. 

*leaschuller is now following you* 

*lenaoberdorf is now following you* 

*kathi.ng is now following you* 

*pharder10 is now following you*

*guzman013_ is now following you* 

*sarahzadrazil25 is now following you* 

now it seems like the whole team is catching on.. 

*buehlklara is now following you* 

*magdalenaeriksson26 is now following you* 

*magou_doucoure is now following you* 

*dahmannlinda is now following you* 

it's until you do a quick google search that you realize who they are.

they’re professional soccer players.

you sit there, staring at your phone, completely in shock. you’ve somehow stumbled into a group chat full of actual women’s soccer players. 

trying to play it cool, you decide to treat them like normal people.

after all, you don’t even know anything about soccer, so it’s not like you’re going to fan out over them.

you: so, what are your names? i want to save your numbers because all of the unsaved numbers are overwhelming haha 

they go around introducing themselves, and you quickly type their names into your phone, saving each number under the name they give you.

+49 152 3334444: i’m giulia

+49 171 7654321: sydney

+44 177 9900000: georgia s 

+49 179 7777777: lea 

+57 170 9193831: ana g. there’s two ana’s so i’d add the last name letter to tell the difference 💜

it’s surreal, somehow you find yourself chatting with them like they’re any other group of girls you’d meet in a random group chat. 

they even start to warm up to you after a few days, especially after you tell them more about your move to munich. 

a few of them offer to show you around the city once you get there.

georgia: honestly, munich’s great. you’re going to love it.

sydney: we can help you find all the best spots.

lena: i can definitely ☺️

lea: lena you just moved here from wolfsburg.. 

lena: lea shushhhh 🙄

pernille: ??? 

you smile at your phone, feeling a little less nervous about the move. it’s strange, but you’re actually starting to look forward to meeting these girls in person. 

sure, they’re professional soccer players, but they’re also just… normal people. and they seem to like you.

as the chat continues, you get the sense that they trust you. maybe it’s because of your instagram or the way you’ve been honest with them from the start, but whatever it is, they don’t seem to mind that you accidentally got added to their group. 

in fact, they seem to enjoy having you around.

klara: you seem chill. i know its been a week since you’ve been added but do you promise to keep our secrets safe? 

lena: ^

you: i promise. i like you guys! 

it’s not every day you accidentally make friends with a group of famous athletes, but somehow, that’s exactly what’s happened. 

as strange as it is, you’re kind of excited about it.

part two here

[diwtara]

Yes, Sanji and Zoro fight constantly, but afterwards Sanji goes back to the galley as happy as can be.

Growing up in the baratie, teasing each other, throwing insults, it was the language he learned to speak

And he knew just as well that Zoro grew up a fighter, that testing himself against others he considered strong, fighting without inent to harm, was Zoros language in much the same way.

And it was freeing to meet each other, have these playful conversations daily, to blow off stress with someone who spoke their language

Sanji heard people comment on how badly the two of them got along, but he laughed it off. These strangers dont understand them at all.

But then Usopp says it.

Sanji is confused. Because Usopp must know that the two of them are friends. Maybe even best friends, happy to share a drink, or their chores, or even the quiet together

But then Nami says it

And now Sanji is questioning everything. Has he been misinterpreting Zoro this whole time? Maybe Zoro had never been asking for a sparring partner. Maybe Zoro didnt know how to say he didnt enjoy spending their time together.

So when Zoro teases him he starts biting back his own taunts. Swallowing all the things he normally would say.

When Zoro challenges him, Sanji will meet him just as always, not willing to take away from Zoros training if thats all he can offer the man.

Sani finds theres less joy in himself when he returns to the galley after these one sided talks.

Zoro for his part has no idea whats going on with the Cook, doesnt understand the way hes holding back. Their captain is all about freedom, yet Zoro watches as Sanji locks a part of himself away.

He racks his brain for something hes said or done to have the cook shut him out like this but cant think of anything. He could try to ask, but the common tongue had never been Zoros strong suite

When they land at a new island and Sanji volunteers to be the one to stay behind Zoro knows something is up. The cook loves to explore new places and explore new markets.

So Zoro takes the pocket change Nami allowed him and instead of looking for a bar he went searching for something else.

It took a while, and took even longer for him to make it back - someone decided to put a whole forest between this harbor town and the docks while he was shopping - the food he was carrying had long gone cold, but hopefully it still tasted fine.

He pushed his way into the kitchen and dropped the plates on the counter. "Local specials" he said with a shrug, hoping that the Cook would understand all the things he was trying to say with this.

"And...why are you bringing them here?"

"So you can try them." Zoro huffed and quickly looked away, "maybe it will improve your cooking, shit-cook"

Sanji was just staring at the dishes, leaving zoro to squirm internally, knowing he wouldnt have the words to explain more than that.

"Zoro," Sanji started cautiously, still looking at the plates rather than at the swordsman, "are we friends?"

Zoros head whipped around to stare at Sanji like he was stupid. "What are you, stupid?! Of course we're friends idiot!"

Sanjis face instantly flushed red with anger "oh you are certainly not someone who should be calling other stupid you directionally challenged, mossheaded, excuse for a swordsman -"

It wasnt long before insults, swords, and legs were flying, smashing into each other in ways they both understood.

Nami sighed, hearing them clash once again. Shaking her head and lamenting how those two can never just sit down and talk to each other.

Luffy laughs. He hears what they are saying just fine.

[sapphossparenoterbook]

ARE YOU TAKING REQUESTS???????

please please please i need agathario fluff

like an alternate universe setting where they have nicholas and have a pretty chill daily life

PLEASEEEE 😭😭😭

Heatstroke

Agatha Harkness x Rio Vidal, background Alice Wu-Gulliver x Jennifer Kale

FLUFF!!!!

~Authors note - I basically wrote it as a Detective AU, but they're still witches and it doesn't revolve around them being detectives at all, it's just a background detail that I added as a minor plot point. Nicky plays soccer :) (As someone from Wales, it has been incredibly painful to call it soccer, but it's set in America so it only makes sense) ~

People always asked them, ‘How do you work together?’ or ‘How do you separate home and work lives if you’re together all the time?’, and the answer, for them, was always simple, but we’ll get to that part later. 

There were quite obvious perks to Agatha and Rio working together, their minds worked in ways that nobody but each other could understand, and if Nicky was in trouble, there was always someone to cover the other’s shift while they helped him out. Even if it was just a scrape on the knee, the two women could always rely on each other to take care of their son while the other worked for the two of them. 

As well as the minor detail that their magic use would help them speed through work, and magic is always stronger when there’s more than one spellcaster.

That’s totally not why they were the best detective duo in the whole of WestView, while still balancing social lives and hobbies without even breaking a sweat. 

Rio, when not on the clock, can be consistently seen in a green sleeveless undershirt, sweat running down her skin and sticking her fringe to her forehead as she pushes a heavy lawnmower around their garden on hot summer days. 

Agatha can be consistently seen sitting on a lawn chair, Nicky on her lap, an ice cold lemonade in one hand, and eyes following the green witches movements around the garden unabashedly. Rio is a green witch, she doesn’t have to do the physical labour… but she likes the way her wife's eyes follow her every movement as she huffs, and pretends not to flex her muscles just slightly so that the set of blue eyes peering over the rim of designer sunglasses traces them with a certain attention to detail Agatha would claim to be stress over heat stroke.

The two of them knew what the look actually was, but to spare Nicky’s innocence for a little while longer, they played along with the heat stroke excuse.  

Over the years, as Nicky got more and more observant of his mothers and their actions, he would often point out when exactly they both had… ‘heatstroke’. Like one morning, when Agatha brushes a dark red at Rio as she whispers something into her ear about the night before. 

“Mama’s got heatstroke! Mama’s got heatstroke!” He says, laughing at Agatha and running into her legs, hugging her at his short stature, “Te veo! Te veo, Mama!” 

Rio laughs hard at the boy who seems dead set on pestering his mother this morning. He had refused to eat his toast, saying he wanted cereal today instead, and now here he is, attempting to tease his mother. 

They both knew the reason why he was being such a pain this morning. He’d seen a lego set in the store that he wanted and Agatha said he’d just have to wait until Christmas to get it, the boy clearly seems to think that if he’d put up enough of a fuss, and then be good afterward, then he’d get the toy early for his “good behaviour”. 

A note to any witches or others that share a similar mindset with Agatha Harkness: Do not teach your child your manipulative ways at a young age. They will learn the skill very quickly, and use it to their advantage much like you have and will again. 

“Nicky…” Rio says to him, looking down at his cute pout on his face, clearly copying his mother’s manipulative tendencies, “Leave your Mama alone for a sec, she can’t take the teasing.” She says in a joking tone, elbowing Agatha when she lets out a quiet noise of protest.

“And besides, we know what this is about, and while your new tricks might work on auntie Alice, it doesn’t work on us. You won’t be getting that toy set until Christmas. And even then, that's only if Santa thinks you’re good!” Rio says then, desperately hoping that the boy doesn’t turn around and tell Alice all about this lego set the next time he sees her. The protection witch has a good heart, being a protection witch does that to you, but she is too soft on Nicky. To be honest, the whole coven is, even Billy babysits for free and whenever Agatha or Rio ask him too, even bringing his boyfriend every now and then. 

Luckily, Rio doesn’t see the telltale signs of the cogs turning as he thinks of a master plan to get the lego set sooner, and Rio lets out a relieved huff. 

“Auntie Jen makes Auntie Alice get heat stroke too!” Nicky suddenly says, breaking his silence and changing the topic, not admitting that he had been trying to manipulate his mothers: Another trait of Agatha’s. 

“Haha! Does she now, Nicky?” Agatha says, recovering from her blush and bringing his attention away from Rio. “Have you told auntie Alice about her heatstroke? She won’t listen to either of your mama’s when we tell her about how obvious it is.”

It’s Agatha’s turn to teasingly elbow Rio, they’d been trying to tell Alice all year that it was painfully obvious that the two witches were slowly but surely falling for eachother. Agatha had started to notice Alice leaving Jen’s house at late hours of the night about a month ago, so at least they’re getting a move on. The only problem is, they genuinely think that nobody has the slightest clue.

Which seriously offends Lilia, considering she is a divination witch that predicted this years ago.

“Will auntie Alice be at my soccer match?” Nicky asks as he pouts up at his two mothers. “Maybe I could tell her then, and then she can ask auntie Jen to make her a potion and fix it?” He says, and while he is picking up his mothers manipulative traits, the two older women can tell he is genuinely innocent in this plan, thinking that Alice needs some help with her ‘heatstroke’. 

“Course she will be, Nicky. Nobody ever misses your soccer matches for anything… except Billy actually. He won’t be there today, he’s got a big exam tomorrow to study for and can’t make it.” Agatha tells him, taking on a softer tone when discussing Billy’s absence, she knows that Nicky adores Billy, and is always upset when he can’t make it to his games or other important events. Billy is one of the only male figures he has in his life, with the coven being a mainly female group, (and mainly gay), he doesn’t really know any other adult male figures aside from teachers and coaches. And even then, he doesn’t know these men well enough for them to be classed as ‘figures’ to him. 

Nicky does look upset for a little bit, but he doesn’t cry. He understands completely that Billy and the others have important things to do. He is the son of two of the best detectives in WestView, after all. While the two have always used their magic to interfere with their schedules when Nicky has an important event like a school play or a soccer game, they have also made sure he understands why they have to do that, and that the other coven members can’t always do the same. 

“That’s okay… Will we see Billy when he finishes his test?” Nicky asks, and runs to grab his soccer boots, and struggles to tie his laces without Rio’s help. 

“Yeah, Nicky, the Kaplan’s invited you to have dinner tomorrow at theirs, remember? And me and Mama are going to stay here so you can sleepover with Billy” Rio says as she slowly ties his shoelaces so that he can watch carefully how she does it, observing each step. It was Agatha and Rio’s anniversary tomorrow, and the Kaplans had volunteered to have Nicky over all night to allow them to have some time alone. They said something about ‘returning the favour’ seeing as the two witches get Billy out of the house all of the time now, for Nicky or just for other coven-related things. 

When they arrived at the soccer field, they were slightly late compared to the other parents. The coven - minus Billy - had saved Agatha and Rio two spaces next to the pitch for them to sit… which is exactly when Agatha remembers that this particular field for the away game doesn’t have bleachers, and they were told to bring their own chairs. 

“Damn it! Rio, I forgot the chairs, I’ll have to rush back to the house so tell me what happens while I’m–” 

She’s silenced by one of Rio’s fingers on her lips. 

“Ah, ah, ah. Leave it to me, my love. I’ll just move the earth around. Just remind me to put it back to normal before we leave, or people might get suspicious of my brilliant garden.” 

“The garden is not brilliant, you destroyed my decking and haven’t–” 

“Sshhhh” Rio coos into her ear, spinning her around and then gently pushing her along to the rest of the group, holding her by the hips from behind. “Shush about the decking… c’mon now, why don’t you tell Alice about her case of heatstroke…?”

“Hmmph, silencing me and my struggles, Rio?” She asks as they get closer to the group, but not quiet in earshot yet.

“Mm, just wait until tomorrow night, when Nicky is at the Kaplan’s… Wouldn’t dream of stifling you and your struggles then, dear…” Rio whispers into Agatha’s ear in a huskier tone than usual, and laughs at the chill that runs down her wife’s spine at the thought. Rio pushes Agatha the whole way to the other coven members on the pitch-side, and conjures up a couch made of dirt and grass for Agatha and her to sit on very comfortably without being squashed into each other, but before Agatha can even get comfortable in her own space, Rio is tugging her in to her side and resting her head on Agatha’s shoulder as they watch their son warm up with the rest of his teammates right before the match. 

Rio, as a woman that has been around since the creation of time to serve her duties as Death, would never want to live any other way. Considering she’s arguably lived every other way. 

Her answer to how she works and lives with Agatha constantly, to her, is incredibly simple: She’d lived a hundred lifetimes without Agatha, and another good chunk chasing after Agatha, so desperately in love. She simply doesn’t want to spend another second without her, knowing that before Agatha, her existence was boring and cold, that she was forced to be a cruel and exacting being, unfeeling and lonesome.

Any other existence than the one she has now, next to Agatha, watching their boy grow, is simply a waste of Death’s eternal time. 

Agatha has given her the one thing that Death cannot give herself, and that is life, in the form of Death’s son. Even his sweet, innocent and mischievous existence is something that philosopher’s throughout time have considered impossible. And so for that, Rio never wants to part from Agatha, from the house their son will grow up in… even if that means she gives her lover special treatment. 

[blackknight-kai]

I don’t talk about her much, because she changes based on the au I use. The art below for my OC is from the wonderful WKZ who is not on the platform anymore for reasons of their choosing - *Friend if you see this know I appreciate you and you are missed*

If you want more of her let me know 😊 I’m gonna write some fics with her.

OC name: Kavara

(I do have a monkey version of her written out 😊 just not added to this post cuz she’s special and I’m still working on her)

Mix of Modern/Ancient Era traits

- [ ] Shes 5’6”/167 cm tall , shorter than the monkeys, her forehead is at mouth height (I hc them kinda tall? Like 5’10” /177cm or so). She has nice curves/ not too skinny not too hearty and a c/d-cup.

- [ ] She has deep burgundy red hair due to fire based abilities (wip)

- [ ] Amber eyes / almost orange in the right light

- [ ] 6 little dark freckles/moles that are in a straight line all the way down her cheek starting from the far side of her left eye, almost like a tear left stain, like me, (lore thing I’m still thinking about)

- [ ] Depending on what I use her for she has short curly/wavy hair or long curls.

- [ ] Likes peach scented body oil. (😏)

- [ ] Used to look mean - but she is gentle inside.

- [ ] Has to touch everything that’s soft if she walks by it, soft blanket? Gotta touch. Soft monkey? Gotta touch. Also likes being wrapped in cozy soft things. (Likes lots of pillows and blankets on her bed - she runs warm though so likes the air to be cool)

- [ ] Seriously she loves petting his fur…would do it all day long.

- [ ] Doesn’t eat sweets often, too rich for her.

- [ ] Likes sweet fruits though like peaches, plums (likes the tart skin on these the best), and crunchy apples.

- [ ] Dances/wiggles in her seat a little if she likes her food a lot

- [ ] No matter what AU she always finds DO/WK (or his variants) handsome instantly- crush may take longer but she always finds him charming and interesting in his own way.

- [ ] Enjoys messing with DO-Wukong/catching him off guard. Shes a little menace too (especially to those she likes). Enjoys annoying people (but not too much- like if making a pop sound with her mouth repeatedly gets under your skin she’s gonna do it - not to the point of pissing you off but she’s gonna get on your nerves).

- [ ] Chews on stuff sometimes to alleviate aggression/help keep focus/lower anxiety.

- [ ] Not a big drinker but will have a drink or two. Doesn’t mind a drunk monkey.

- [ ] Likes to collect pretty rocks and smooth stones that feel good in her hand.

- [ ] Not big on fancy luxury. Or stuffy clothes.

- [ ] Her weapons are similar to Kratos, (dual blades that can be smoldering etc and have chains she can use to throw them and pull them back. She likes to make big explosions 💀

- [ ] She hides them as earrings so they are always with her.

- [ ] Under her outfit she wears chest wraps to keep girlies together and tight to her chest. She wears the equivalent of panties but a loincloth sash covers her ass and front- legs exposed - this way if she loses her outer wear due to her fire she isn’t nakey.

- [ ] Puts her friends first.

- [ ] Curses internally a lot- sometimes out loud.

- [ ] Again, seems tough/uncaring but she is the most accepting person (as long as you aren’t genuinely bad/do bad shit) and will be the mom friend.

- [ ] Enjoys taking care of DO/WK. wants always help him, he’s her best friend. (Eventual lover)

- [ ] Wants him to feel cared for - and that she’d be there for him.

- [ ] in alt universe’s she would fight the fuckers at the begin of the game for him. Or by his side. She would genuinely die to keep him from having to resign himself to dying just to be free.

None of this is fine tuned but it’s the basic of whatever I got. I changed some stuff to suit my needs so…so I’m sorry if it’s a bit confusing but here we go!

This is a version of her specifically meant to know Wukong before BMW events. (Other versions of her like modern au or whatever I need her for don’t follow this but have similar things)

She is an immortal, one birthed of fire, chaos, destruction, (rebirth if you think about how fire culls the land for new life to grow), the embodiment of the roaring fires on the sun basically.

So in her younger days she is not exactly well liked, shes strong and was someone who didn’t like to held down. She didn’t outright disobey or was rebellious but if something wasn’t right or if she felt slighted/felt someone was slighted she would make that shit known. Quick to anger.

Because of this she had pissed off the wrong person, they placed a curse on her - (again not fine tuned) and it basically is like a black tar root that starts from her heart and starts spreading and coiling around her body the more emotion she feels, specifically negative ones like (seen negative) anger, hatred, fear, all those kinds of emotions.

She can heal, but the pain and the curse will spread to such agonizing levels that if she pushes it too far it will take over her body and encapsulate her/put out the fire in her which keeps her immortal. She of course tries to break the curse but there isnt anything that works. It’s like a spore that is attached to her heart that has molded to her and wont go.

Unfortunately this makes her shut down emotionally, she doesnt have a support system so as much as she tries to fight the agony gets worse and worse. Her fire dims, not dead, just dims. Kavara at this point just does her duties, keeps to herself, and represses all emotions whatsoever. She’s free of pain and honestly doesnt have to worry about shit, so it becomes her new norm.

In comes Sun Fucking Wukong.

The charming egotistical chaotic monkey yaoguai that wants to play immortal. She hears of him mostly, but remains indifferent. Until one day they finally meet.

Probably the worst thing that happens to a lot of people actually…..because Sun Wukong is the first to make her laugh. Ever. Not one of those “haha i am victorious” laughs she might have had when fighting back in the day. No, a full on belly aching laugh. Tears down her face and a wide pretty smile, something she honestly wasn’t capable of/thought she had. (She’s beautiful but never thought about it I guess)

This is the first time she realizes that HAPPY or positive emotions dont make the curse spread.

Wukong of course takes this as his sign to KEEP making her laugh (when he isnt being a little shit in heaven and to others).

Over time they do become friends, he learns of her curse, she learns of his goals. Unfortunately for everyone else Wukong influences her to stop being an emotionless doll and she becomes his partner in crime. Best chaotic duo ever.

THERES MORE BUT THIS IS JUST SOME OF HER STORY!!!

I didn’t wanna give the WHOLE lore, if you want more let me know. It’s quite a bit and a mix of angst & happiness.

Same with a version of her that meets Destined One. It’s a different AU and one that is a bit on the angsty side but I will ALWAYS give a happy ending.

[whumpy-wyrms]

The Last Lab Rat #21: Halloween

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content: lab whump, captivity, ghosts, parent and animal death mention, comfort, ghost carewhumpee, winged test subject whumpee, scientist carewhumper

HAPPY (LATE) HALLOWEEN to Dew and Anton (and Max)!! watch them as they celebrate the spookiest holiday as a way to cope with their own horrors that are slowly consuming them (also ignore the fact i’m posting this one day after halloween… every day is halloween if you’re a creature of the night like me for realsies)

— 

For a moment Dew thought that it was all one bad dream, but like everything else that had happened to him, he knew it’d never be that easy. This wasn’t a dream, he wasn’t hallucinating, and this wasn’t another experiment— if so, Anton would have burst into the room giddy with excitement about the idea of ghosts existing a long time ago— so it had to be real; that was the only explanation. Dew could see ghosts. Dew could communicate with the dead.

He supposed it was a good idea to keep this a secret from Anton. From what all of this implied, Anton didn’t deserve to know that Max was still here, lest he torment them further than what he did back when they were his lab rat. They deserved a peaceful afterlife, and Dew would… try as best he could to give them that. He didn’t need Anton ruining yet another person’s life— or lack thereof.

Max seemed happy with that decision as well. Whenever Dew brought Anton up, they shuffled awkwardly and mumbled short and vague responses. It was obvious they preferred not to talk about him. The idea of confronting him after all this time seemed like it filled them with absolute dread. Dew didn’t need to know all the specific details to understand why.

Eventually, the two of them realized they had stayed up all night talking, and Dew had gotten absolutely zero sleep. He was sitting on his bed talking to Max when the lights flicked on, and Anton came strolling through the lab. Dew’s heart jumped in his chest, and he frantically pulled the blankets over them both.

He could see Max. He could talk to a ghost, a ghost! How the hell was he supposed to keep this a secret from Anton? His drowsy head swarmed with adrenaline and worry, he could barely think straight after everything that was going on, it’d surely cause suspicion.

…Shit.

Dew hopped out of bed and picked up the knife off the floor.

“Max,” Dew whispered frantically. “W- what do I do with the knife— where do I put it?—”

“Put it back in your pillow case,” Max said. “Hurry. Anton’s coming.”

Dew stuffed the knife in there and ran to the bathroom, usering Max alone with him. He slammed the door shut and watched Max float seamlessly through the walls and into the bathroom.

“Oh my god… oh my god!” Dew exclaimed, running his hands through his disheveled hair. “Anton’s coming. Anton’s gonna- gonna find out about you and—”

“No, He won’t,” Max reassured him. “He hasn’t seen me for the past five years I’ve been here… no matter how much I’ve tried. He won’t suddenly be able to see me now… It’s okay, I promise.”

“Okay… okay.”

“Please calm down, Dew. You’ll only arouse suspicion…”

“You’re right- you’re right. Oh my god. What do I do? Do I tell Anton I can see you? What if he- what if he messes with my eyes more or kills me again or— or hurts you—”

“You don’t gotta tell him,” Max quickly reassured. “It’s- it’s probably best if you don’t, actually. It’s okay. Please… take a deep breath. Everything’ll be alright.”

“O-okay… I won’t tell him. Oh god. I can see dead people. Are you sure you’re real?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. Okay I should— I need to use the toilet. Do you mind…”

Max quietly nodded and floated out of the room, and Dew was left alone. A few moments later, he heard Anton enter his room from the other side of the door. Silence. He was just… waiting. Like usual. Of course. Everything was normal for him out there. For all the scientist knew, today was just another day.

When Dew was done, he walked back into his room, all three of his eyes moving to see Anton sitting on the side of his bed. They locked eyes. Dew felt like a deer in the headlights.

“Good morning, Dew,” the scientist said. “How’re you feeling?”

“Um,” Dew mumbled, quickly glancing up to the dark corner of the ceiling. Max was staring back, eye wide and still. Dew timidly shifted his gaze back to the scientist. “Good.”

“That’s good.” Anton breathed. He didn’t seem to notice Dew’s glance. He was staring at him like he was the only thing in the world that mattered.

Dew fidgeted with his shirt and tried to ignore the elephant in his room. With everything that happened, he’d almost forgotten about the scientist and his experiments. Being in his presence after last night made him filled with absolute dread. Memories flashed through his mind of being forced into that tank— the darkness, being unable to see, to move, to feel. He had died. Anton had killed him.

He was suddenly hyper aware of everything that was going on, the position he was in, where he was, the fact he didn’t know what was going to happen next. Tears welled up in his eyes far too suddenly, and he hadn’t realized that he’d pressed his back so far against the wall opposite the scientist that his wings were beginning to ache.

“I’m sorry, Dew,” Anton said quickly, breaking the silence and letting out a shaky breath. “About yesterday. I never- I never intended for that experiment to go the way it did. If you don’t mind, I wanna do a couple of tests quickly, just to see how you’re holding up. Then we can eat breakfast out in the kitchen together, okay?”

Dew wiped his eyes and nose with his sleeve and sniffled. His head jerked into a nod. “Oh, o-okay.” His tense shoulders started to relax, and he swallowed his nerves and followed Anton out of the door. He hadn’t been told to put his hospital gown on; that was a good thing. It meant no experiments. He closed his eyes as he walked and tried to focus on calming his breathing. Anton wouldn’t hurt him right now. No experiments. Everything would be okay.

As he walked, he realized the presence of the ghost grew farther away. Dew’s eyes flickered to the window and saw Max watching him silently from his room. They were staying put… Maybe that was for the best. It was already hard for Dew to focus with both the ghost and the scientist in the same room as him.

“You’ve been so good, Dew,” Anton said as they walked. Dew turned his head to look up at him. “So good. I don’t say that enough.”

“Oh, th-thanks…”

Now in the lab again, Dew was glad to note that the horrible giant tank and any evidence left from that experiment was gone. The fact that he may never go inside there again provided a small comfort as he hopped up on the metal table. The scientist prepped a small needle, and Dew had done this so much that he knew what to expect by now. He moved his arm from his sleeve and rested his elbow on the table, allowing Anton room to slide the needle in and start drawing blood.

Dew would usually look away, terrified with tears in his eyes as he clenched them shut, but this time he looked down in a morbid curiosity. But he felt nothing as his eyes bored into it, watching his dark red blood be taken from his body and filled in a couple of small vials.

He blinked, and it was over with. Anton wrapped his arm in a bit of cotton gauze and gave him a few light pats to his head. Dew put his arm back in his sleeve and stayed as still as he could as Anton continued to check his vitals. Cold stethoscope to his skin, blood pressure cuff squeezing his arm, bright lights in his eyes. His mind swarmed with so many questions and worries about the day prior that he could barely focus on what the scientist was even doing to him.

After he was done, Anton put a hand on Dew’s shoulder. Dew flinched and looked up at him. “That’s it, I’m done. I’m proud of you. As a reward for your good behavior, you deserve another break for a little while, don’t you think?”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Anton ruffled his hair. “We both do… And I need time to plan for what’s next.”

Dew let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He closed his eyes and slinked off of the table and onto the floor.

Anton lightly scrunched his brows. “You look tired. Did you get any sleep last night?”

“...No. I… I couldn’t sleep,” Dew mumbled. There was no use lying about it. It was obvious.

“Oh.” Anton patted his hair softly. He frowned, looking almost guilty. Dew hugged his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry about that… Good thing we get to rest today. Recover from… what happened.”

“…Anyways, everything’s looking good. You’re all healthy.” He gave Dew a gentle smile. “We have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s good,” Dew mumbled.

“…But Dew,” Anton said, smiling wide. It seemed like his usual, giddy self was already back. That had to be a new record. “There’s another reason we get a break today. Do you know what day it is?”

“No.”

“It’s…” Anton took two pens and drum rolled them on the table. “…Halloween!” He quickly put some giant fake mouse ears on his head. “I would have told you sooner, but uh, I kinda lost track of time. You get it.”

“It’s… Halloween already?” It felt like only yesterday it was his birthday at the beginning of October. It felt like only yesterday he escaped and murdered and got recaptured and gave up. It was only yesterday he died. Time continued to sneak by. It always did, and it always would.

“Awful timing, I know.” Anton scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “But… Let’s try not to let anything else ruin the spooky spirit for us today, alright? It’s a new day, everyone’s okay, let’s just… focus on having fun.”

So it really did seem like Anton wanted to move on from last night completely and sweep all the horrors that Dew faced under the rug. Dew didn’t know if he could just move on from what happened so easily. The void had swallowed him up, it was so dark, so…

“Dew?” Anton asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“S-sorry.” Maybe it was a good thing he had a distraction, actually. He’d focus on the spooky horrors today instead of his own. Surely pushing all his worries to the back of his mind wouldn’t have any repercussions later.

“Like I said, I didn’t really get to plan much for today… time got the best of me. But I have a few fun options.” Anton changed the lighting in the lab to a dim orange hue, really setting the mood for Halloween. Dew didn’t even know Anton could change the colors of the lights in this place.

“If you want, we could decorate or carve some pumpkins for fun.” Anton laughed softly. “I don’t think it’ll surprise you to know we don’t get any trick-or-treaters here. And if we did, well, the more test subjects, the merrier! Haha.”

Dew didn’t laugh.

“But that’s okay. It means we get the candy all to ourselves! Here, you deserve the treat.” Anton handed him an orange jack-o-lantern bucket filled to the brim with candy.

“…Th-thanks.”

“Don’t eat it all at once. Oh! Right, you’re probably hungry. Come on, let's go get some breakfast.” Anton held his hand out towards Dew. He sighed and grabbed it, allowing Anton to pull him to his feet. He followed him to the kitchen. “Hmm, what do you want for breakfast, Dew? I also haven't eaten yet this morning. I just, uh, woke up and came straight here.” Anton looked down at his lime green socks and chuckled lightly. “I didn’t even remember to put my shoes on.”

“Hmm.” Dew didn’t really know. It had been months since someone asked what he wanted for breakfast. “I mean… I really like pancakes. Especially if-if they have chocolate chips in them.”

Anton hummed. “Oh, that sounds good! Yeah, I’ll make ‘em, you just sit tight.” Anton pulled a chair out for Dew and he sat down at the table.

It was so weird seeing the scientist in such a cheery mood after last night, after that experiment went wrong, after he allegedly killed him. Maybe it was just his way of coping, his way of trying to cheer Dew up. He knew how… important he was to the man. But still, if Anton didn’t want him to get hurt, he shouldn’t have fucking experimented on him.

Dew closed his eyes while he waited, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his wings around himself on the chair. He was so exhausted. Eventually, Anton finished baking the pancakes and set a plate down in front of him. There were two medium pancakes and a bigger curved one, arranged in the shape of a smiley face.

They ate their breakfast in silence. Well… at first. “This is so good, Dew!” Anton exclaimed. “Pancakes was a good idea!”

The pancakes themself weren’t… the best, but they were better than nothing. Dew and his friends used to make much better pancakes together back at home. He wondered if they still did that. With the clone.

After they were done eating breakfast, Anton took their plates and set them in the sink. “Well, we’re already in the kitchen, do you wanna carve some pumpkins?” he asked.

“…Sure.”

“Alright.” Anton bent down and hefted two pumpkins up on the table. One was rather small, and the other was a bit bigger. “Choose your pick. I don’t mind.” It was obvious Anton was hoping he’d get to carve the bigger one, so Dew took the small one. “Good choice!”

Anton handed Dew a pencil and some rubber gloves, then he handed him a knife.

…A knife.

Dew stared at it.

Anton only just seemed to notice what he handed him so casually a second ago. “Oh, just be careful with that, Dew.” Anton frowned. “I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“…I’ll be careful,” Dew said. It was hard to believe Anton was just trusting him with a knife like this, unrestrained, and so close to him too, especially after…

He shook those thoughts away. He was glad he was being trusted with this after everything that had happened. He could use all the trust he could get here, and he wouldn’t break it. …At least, not now.

Oh, right. 

He didn’t know what to do. All these thoughts about trust and he just remembered that he’d been lying to the scientist for weeks about his eyes. He should tell him, he should. He couldn’t break his trust all over again and risk getting hurt. It wasn’t worth it.

After snapping his own gloves on, Anton started digging in. “You can turn your music on too, if you’d like. I don’t listen to music much. but if you like it so much, it might be nice…”

Dew pressed play on his MP3 player that has been sitting in his pocket, letting it play out loud. Whatever Dew decided to do about all the secrets he’d been keeping, it could surely wait a little longer. It was Halloween. He decided to focus on the pumpkin carving and the music playing, letting it drown out his thoughts.

Dew put his gloves on and started carving. It was easy at first, all he had to do was cut the stem out. But… he didn’t exactly know what he wanted to carve. He used to carve pumpkins all the time during spooky season with his friends, but now… he sighed. He didn’t feel like designing something new and intricate. A generic scary jack o'lantern face would have to.

“So, Dew, do you like Halloween?” Anton asked.

“Um… yeah,” Dew mumbled. “Yeah. It’s fun.”

Anton smiled. “What do you like about it?”

Dew shrugged. “I used to go trick-or-treating a lot with my friends. We’d always dress up in costumes. One time Sawyer and I went as two of our favorite video game characters. It was… really fun.” Dew softly stabbed the side of the pumpkin and took his hand away, putting it in his lap and letting the knife sit sticking out of the pumpkin. “I miss it. Obviously.” He wasn’t going to ask if Anton could take him trick-or-treating. It’d be an obvious no. He didn’t want to get his hopes up just to be let down.

“What about you?” Dew asked, looking up. “Do you like Halloween?”

“Oh yeah, I love Halloween.” Anton smiled fondly. “It’s one of the only holidays Pierce let me celebrate. I used to dress up sometimes. I never went, uh, trick-or-treating though.” Anton frowned. “It sounds fun. I wish… I wish I did. Pierce and I never really left the forest much…”

Dew blinked.

“And uh, if I would’ve remembered it was Halloween sooner, I definitely would’ve prepared costumes. But hey, there’s always next year!”

…Yeah. Next year.

And the year after that.

And the years after that.

Hey, maybe by then, Anton would trust Dew enough to take him trick-or-treating again. Then they’d both be happy. Maybe he’d even see his friends walking on the street by them with his clone. He wondered what he’d be dressed up as. He plucked the knife out of the pumpkin and continued carving into it.

Orange, wet, slimy pumpkin guts covered his gloved hands as he gutted his pumpkin. His knife shone bright in the orange light, illuminating the stabs into its face as he carved it out. He felt like he was gonna be sick.

“Hey, Dew?” Anton said out of nowhere. Dew looked up from his pumpkin. “I just wanted to say… I’m… I’m so glad you’re here,” he murmured softly. “I love spending time with you.”

Around an hour later, the two of them finished up their pumpkins. Anton put little candles inside and lit them, then dimmed the lights all the way. The two jack o'lanterns lit up, warm orange light filling the darkness. Anton had carved a little… rat? Mouse? Whatever it was, it was kinda cute. Dew just carved a scary face. It’s jagged, zig zag mouth curving up into a smile, contrasting Dew’s obvious tired, sad, and perpetually fearful frown.

Despite that, Anton still seemed proud of him. He put a hand on his shoulder and grinned. “Woah! These look amazing!” Anton said. “Good job, Dew. You did great.”

Dew smiled lightly at the praise. “Th-thanks. Now what?” he asked.

“I’ll clean this mess up and then… we could… watch a movie? We can watch something scary on the big computer monitor screens I have in here, if you want.”

“Okay. I’m gonna go get my sketchbook.”

Dew walked to his room, noticing Max was still floating by the window. He opened the door and walked in, looking out to make sure Anton wasn’t watching him. He seemed busy enough getting rid of the pumpkin guts.

“Hi,” Dew whispered.

“Hey,” Max said. “…What were you two doing over there?”

“What, carving pumpkins? You… you don’t know what that is?”

“Maybe I did, but I don’t remember anymore.”

“Oh… Well, it’s for Halloween. Something you do during Halloween time, you know, because it’s spooky.”

“…Halloween?”

“…Oh boy.”

As Dew talked about Halloween, recognition slowly started to spread across Max’s face. They felt it too. That familiarity. That… intense feeling they couldn’t seem to describe. Like… like when they first heard music from Dew’s machine. Halloween must have been important to them in the past… far into the past. Maybe even before the lab.

“Huh,” Dew said. “Do you know… If there’s any ways to like, jog your memories? Make them come back?”

Max shrugged. “I’m not sure. Sometimes if I focus really hard, I can remember a little. But… before— before here— it’s… nothing. Maybe a small feeling in the back of my mind, but that’s it.”

“…Oh.”

“Don’t feel bad, Dew.” Max assured. “I’m used to it by now. It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t, and Dew knew that. None of this was okay. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Can you come with me? I’m scared to be alone. And I don’t want you to feel left out.”

Max’s eye lit up. “Okay. …Anton still doesn’t know I’m here, right?”

“Right.”

“Okay… good.”

Dew grabbed his sketchbook— and his ghost nightlight, it was in theme after all— and went back into the lab with Max following behind him. Anton had cleaned up the mess and was snacking on some candy when Dew approached him. He stood there silently, not really used to being the one to initiate their interactions. He was so used to being told what to do that he froze up the second Anton let him loose.

“Oh, hey,” the scientist said. “The remains of the insides of the pumpkins have been disposed of. Spooky movie time! I can make some popcorn if you want.”

Dew nodded.

“Alright! Let’s go make popcorn.” Anton started walking towards the exit of the lab, then hesitated. He turned to Dew. “…You can come with, if you want.”

Dew was surprised, but followed him anyway. Anton was taking him upstairs. He hadn’t gone up there since… He shuddered. He couldn’t mess this up. If he even just made the wrong move, or looked too longingly at the windows or something, he could ruin everything again. He gestured for Max to come with him. They’d help stop him from making stupid decisions.

But when he walked out the exit and they floated next to him and raised their hand to touch his, it stopped in mid air. Rigid. Unmoving. They tried moving their body forward, but it was like an invisible force was keeping them in the confines of the lab. Dew could barely process what that meant before Anton called for him.

“Dew? Come on.”

He forced himself to look away from Max and silently began walking up the stairs after Anton. His heart pounded in his chest when he realized what that meant. Max couldn’t leave the lab. He… guessed it made sense. After all, if he were a ghost in this place, the first thing he’d do if he got the chance was to leave and never look back. But that wasn’t an option for Max, was it?

Once they got to the top of the stairs, Anton opened the door and the two of them walked into the cabin. A chill went down Dew’s spine as he caught sight of the windows. Outside Dew saw a flurry of snow falling from the sky. White snowflakes danced in the air of the forest, the trees had lost most of their leaves at this point. It was already almost winter.

Anton glanced at Dew and then out the window. “Oh yeah, it started snowing recently. Come on, let’s pop some popcorn.”

Anton pulled Dew along to the kitchen and began rummaging around in the pantry. Sounds of popcorn popping in the microwave filled his ears, and he could already smell it.

“Okay Dewey,” Anton said, pouring the popcorn in a big bowl and pouring butter over the top. “It’s all done. Let’s go.”

They walked back to the lab and got the movie ready. Anton moved the couch from the kitchen to the middle of the room in front of his giant computer screens, and they sat down, cozied in their warm blankets. The movie Anton chose was Frankenstein.

They stayed silent for most of the movie. Max had come to sit next to Dew to watch it too, but quickly went flying back to hide in his room after it became too distressing for them. Dew was honestly dozing off for some of it, having got little to no sleep last night, but it was still entertaining. Better than being experimented on for real, at least. Anton just seemed happy to be spending time with him. After the movie, they ate lunch.

“What to do…” Anton said, pacing around in circles. “Oh, let’s tell some ghost stories!”

“O-oh, okay—” Dew’s words were cut off when a blanket was thrown in his face and he was pulled by his ankle off of the couch. “Hey!” He yelled, genuinely frightened. He pushed the blanket off of him and shot Anton a look. “What the f—”

“Relax, Dew.” Anton laughed. “I’m just making a blanket fort. We need one if we’re gonna tell spooky stories. This is gonna be fun.”

“Okay, fine.” Dew sighed. Anton started draping the blankets over the couch and connecting them to the chairs and shelves around them. Eventually, there was a small but decently cozy blanket fort that Dew and Anton were huddled under. Dew looked to his right to see Max phasing through the blankets and sitting down next to him.

“You start,” Anton said, smiling eagerly.

“Oh, um…” Dew glanced at Max. He really didn’t have any actual ghost stories to tell, besides the one from last night, but that one was obviously off the table. He didn’t really feel like making up something on the spot either. He sighed. Best to just get this over with. He was so tired.

“Well… me and my friends always liked to play with ouija boards,” Dew said. “We’d go out into the woods at night and sit in the grass with the board in the middle of us. We did it a couple of times and mostly goofed around, but it was kinda scary. And then…” Dew frowned. “Then my parents died, and… and we tried to use the board to talk to them. I dunno if it ever actually worked, or if my friends were just tryna make me feel better…”

Dew looked back up at Anton. “That’s my ghost story.”

Anton blinked. There was an awkward silence before he cleared his throat and chuckled awkwardly. “That wasn’t a very scary story, Dew. …But I’m… sorry for your loss. That must’ve been hard.”

“Yeah,” Dew mumbled. “Your turn.”

“Okay.” Anton grabbed Dew’s ghost light and held it under his chin all spookily. He began telling a cliche— but somewhat scary coming from Anton— ghost story. Being in the dark and hearing a story like that honestly sent chills down Dew’s spine, but he didn’t know if it was because he was scared or if it was the ghost that was sitting next to him. …Besides, he was always scared.

After the story, Dew decided to ask something he’d only really get the chance to ask today. “Hey, so… do you…” Dew glanced at Max again, who was curled up into a ball next to him. “Do you actually believe in ghosts?”

Anton paused for a moment, seemingly thinking deeply about it as if the answer wasn’t glaringly obvious— him being a scientist and all. He spoke slowly, as if choosing his words carefully. “Hm. I’m not sure. If they do, that seems like an awfully painful existence to have. I wouldn’t want anyone to exist like that.” Anton cleared his throat. “But scientifically speaking: no, they don’t exist. So there’s no reason to think about them. It’ll just… bring you down. People die, y’know, what happens after is… irrelevant.”

Dew looked to his right again to see that Max was gone. Probably huddled up in his room.

Anton tilted his head, looking at him with a sad expression. “Hey Dew, are you okay? You’ve been on edge all day.”

“Oh, um…” Dew began nervously fidgeting with his Halloween candy. “I’m just- I’m scared of what’s gonna happen next.”

“Next?”

“L-like, the experiments. What are you gonna do to me next?” It was the question that had been ringing in his head all day, and he finally had the courage to ask it.

“Oh.” Anton frowned, suddenly looking much more serious, his expression almost resembling the one of horror from last night. He swallowed, guilt finding its way across his features. “Right. Of course you’d be wondering this. I should have explained more earlier.”

He sighed. “Well, we’re moving on from the eye experiments. That last experiment was a close call— too close for comfort, and we were getting nowhere anyway. I gave you a third eye and that was a success, but the rest… I wasn’t prepared. I went in too strong without thinking. We will come back to this eventually— maybe— probably not. There’s still so much I want to test, but for now we need to move on while I plan better ways— safer ways— to get done what I want.”

Dew wondered what really was it that Anton wanted to achieve. All of his questions led him nowhere, almost as if the scientist didn’t want to admit what he was searching for. But it was obvious in the way Anton was slouched down and wasn’t making the constant eye contact and talking about experiments without that excited glint in his eyes that he saw this as a failure. A failed experiment that gave Dew more powers than he could imagine. If only Anton knew.

Still, Dew was relieved that Anton seemingly wanted to move on from that particular experiment. It failed, and that was that, no second attempts, no re-do’s. Thank goodness for that. That was all Dew really cared about at this point. Surviving.

He didn’t have much to say, and it was obvious the scientist didn’t want to talk about this either, so he said nothing besides nodding in understanding.

Anton clicked his pen repeatedly, obviously wanting to change the subject. “Do you wanna watch another scary movie?”

“Sure.”

“Great.”

The blanket fort was swiftly torn down, the popcorn bucket was refilled and the two of them were once again sitting on the couch watching a spooky movie. Re-animator, this time. Anton seemed enraptured, Dew found it kind of interesting, and Max was nowhere to be seen.

Dew knew it couldn’t have been very late, but he was getting so tired. The complete lack of sleep last night was finally catching up with him, drowning out his thoughts and making him drift slowly into unconsciousness.

As Dew relaxed deeper into the couch, he felt Anton’s hand trail behind him before settling comfortably on his head, softly petting his fluffy hair. Dew melted into it, hugged his blanket closer, and started dozing off to the side.

Anton closed his eyes, clinging to him, petting his hair, cherishing this moment. It was just him and Dew. Safe and sound. He’d never let another bad thing happen to him again.

. . .

“Hey, Dewey?” Anton asked softly, stirring Dew awake.

“Huh?” Dew tiredly lifted his hands up to rub his eyes, all three of them landing on Anton once he came into focus in the dark. He was laying on the couch, head in Anton’s lap, the scientist’s hand softly petting his hair. He must have fallen asleep.

“The movie’s over. Let’s go back to your room.”

“M’kay.”

Dew allowed Anton to carry him to his room as he drifted between consciousnesses. Anton laid him down in bed and turned on his night light. “Goodnight, Dewey. Sleep tight.”

“G’night…” Dew murmured.

Anton lingered in the doorway for a few moments before shutting it and leaving the lab. Dew was comfortable melting into his sheets and drifting off to sweet, peaceful sleep until he heard someone trying to get his attention.

“Hey, Dew,” Max whispered. “Wake up.”

“Hmm?” Dew mumbled, sitting up with hair in his face and looking around the dark room, eyes adjusting just enough to see Max’s silhouette in front of him.

“Basil’s here. They wanted to say hi.”

“Oh,” Dew breathed. His eyes went wide. “Basil.” He’d almost forgotten about Anton’s old pet— the mouse. He never did get a chance to meet them.

“I don’t see them often. They’re not like me, they’re not trapped here. They spend their time in Anton’s room, they don’t like being in the lab, but… they’re my best friend too, and they wanted to meet you.”

Max held their hands open to reveal a small white mouse with dark spots curled up in their palms. Dew rubbed his eyes and smiled. They were so small, so cute, and yet they just looked like a trick of the light.

“Hi!” Basil squeaked.

She floated to Dew’s hands and curled up in a ball. Dew still couldn’t actually feel them, but it was a comforting sight nonetheless. Tears welled up in his eyes and he hugged her close, remembering the events of that day— that horrible day. Anton was the most distraught he’d ever seen him. His best friend had died, and now they were curled up in Dew’s hands, happy and peaceful as can be. Dew could tell this ghost was nothing like Max. This ghost was safe, their afterlife held no suffering, only peace. It seemed like the only reason they decided to stay in this mortal plane was so they could be with Max and Anton… and Dew, now.

He collapsed into his bed and cried, hugging himself tightly. Wet sobs racked his body as he clung to the sheets, grasping out for any comfort from the ghosts. He grieved for both of them. He realized he would have ended up like them if he’d gone through with it. He didn’t wanna think about what Anton would have done. He was so glad to be alive.

“We’re here, it’s okay,” Max whispered. They laid down on his bed next to him, holding Basil close, and started humming his favorite song. Dew wished he could feel their warmth, but the closer they got to him, the colder he felt. He wished he could just give them a hug. He wished someone would just give him a hug.

But as he lay there with both Max and Basil, the two of them trying their best to comfort him in the only ways they could, he held on tighter, and realized that them being together was all that mattered. He closed his eyes and fell asleep with his new friends, glad he wasn’t alone anymore.

— 

i’ve never actually seen frankenstein or reanimator btw but i thought those movies seemed fitting (and i don’t think anton would really be a fan of slasher type horror movies anyways). anyway i hoped yall liked it :3 (i'm honestly not too proud of it but whateverrrr) next chapter is one i’m SUPER DUPER EXCITED ABOUT!!! expect it VERY SOON because i’ve already written most of it!!!! YIPPEE

taglist:

@whumpinthepot @whump-me-all-night-long @whump321 @fuckcapitalismasshole @sorry-i-spaced 

@catnykit @tettlod @delicateprincepaper @rejectedbytheempty @mijajaj 

@anothertawogsideblog @creppersfunpalooza @toyybox @parasitebunny @bottlecapreader 

@thecareandkeepingofwhumpees @inkwell-and-dagger @vidawhump @thepotatoofnopes @labwhump 

@watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees @whumping-valentine @whumpsoda @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl @lumpofsand 

@cepheusgalaxy @lumpywhump @otter-chaos-violence @paperprinxe @kawaii-cakes 

@auradastler @whumperannon93 @befuddlednettle @eventide-paradox @bacillusinfection 

@whump-till-ya-jump 

let me know if you want to be removed or added to the taglist!

[glade-constellation]

Okay, finally about to get all my thoughts down after yesterday’s episode. I’m going to start with Moon since he’s being the one most talked about.

This is going to be a long post, so I’ll put a cut here <3

Moon

A lot of people are hating on how Moon reacted to Sun’s current trauma. I agree that he is not handling the situation well. As much as I understand where he’s coming from, running from Sun is not going to help at all. Sun desperately needs his family with him right now. No one else may have considered Nexus daily anymore, but it was still clear that Sun cared. He basically had to kill his own brother. Not only that, he was made to feel as if he chose to kill his own brother. (There was no choice in the matter, it was physiological torture set up specifically to make Sun feel guilty for his actions. Sun may have threw the “fireball” but Dark was the one who forced him to.)

Anyways, back to Moon. I think what a lot of people are forgetting is that Moon also just lived through a trauma. He was kidnapped and tortured, almost killed before Ruin saved him. The only reason Ruin saved him, as Ruin explained himself, was because Ruin hated Dark and Nexus. It was not because he wanted to save Moon, it was because he wanted to thwart Dark and Nexus’ plans. When he’s finally on his way to getting out, he finds two of his brothers being tortured, and almost watched one of them die before he got there. (I think that’s why he started screaming when he did. He was buying time for Solar by directing Nexus’ attention at him.) He then watched Nexus die. He was not close to Nexus in any way, but watching anyone die in front of you is not great for your mental health.

After all this, Moon is then told he has to not only process his own trauma, but take on Sun’s trauma as well. Moon does want to help, but he is too overly burdened by his own problems and knows he wouldn’t be of any help. To make up of his guilt, he is coving up his own trauma response by saying he’s doing it for Sun. He very likely knows this isn’t going to help Sun emotionally, but he feels he can stop any farther trauma to Sun by stopping whatever’s causing it. It’s both genuinely feeling this is the only way he can help Sun, and feeling guilt over not being able to help him in the way that is currently needed.

Is that the best response? No. But is it a very Moon response? Yes. This is actually exactly how he used to fix problems. Moon should not have abused Sun in the way he did, and he still needs to apologize for that, but Moon genuinely thought in some of these instances that he was helping Sun. He is not an emotionally available person, so he cannot handle his own emotions on top of others. So he does the next best thing he can think of and tries to stop what’s causing the trauma. Moon has just as much trauma as Sun does, people just don’t tend to feel that way because he took out his emotions on Sun to process them. At least this time he’s not taking it out on Sun. At least he is trying to actually stop the problem.

All in all, Moon isn’t as in the wrong as everyone keeps saying. Yes, he definitely should go talk to Sun. Hell, even just sitting in the same room as Solar does all the talking would be a big help. Just showing that he is there for Sun. But then Moon would feel more guilty, because he wouldn’t see how he’s helping and would still want to go after Dark and Ruin. He may seem apathetic, but he genuinely is trying to fix the situation.

(Edit : I also think people are forgetting that Moon had absolutely no insight as to what the real situation was. Sun did not tell them he was forced to make a choice, he simply saw Nexus explode. He probably thinks Sun intentionally killed Nexus. He does not realize the true gravity of the situation like we do.)

Sun

Obviously, Sun is the most emotionally distressed over the situation. The entire time he was talking with Nexus, a few episodes before his death, Sun tried to say he didn’t care about Nexus. Nexus saw through the lies, he knew Sun for an entire year by this point. They used to be brothers, Nexus wasn’t going to believe Sun didn’t care because Sun never stopped caring. As much as Sun was hurt by Nexus, that was still his brother. It’s kind of similar to his feelings of Moon at the beginning of the show. Moon did some genuinely terrible things to him, but Sun still cared. The only reason this situation is any different is because Moon would sometimes try and show regret over his actions, and Nexus blatantly didn’t care.

Sun found out his brother was kidnapped, had to bargain with the enemy to try and get past another enemy, almost got caught in the crossfire of a deadly fight, and was then tortured by someone he used to call a brother. He was almost forced to watch Solar die purely as a revenge tactic to get back at him, and Sun would have felt it was his fault Solar died. The was only stopped by Moon rushing in to start fighting. Right when it looked like Nexus was about to kill everyone, Dark forced Sun into a rigged choice between killing his brothers. (Edit: It was Ruin’s device that killed Nexus. Sun had no part in physically killing him.)

Once again, really want people to understand that Sun did not kill Nexus. He was simply made to feel like he did. It’s psychological torture, make someone feel as if they are choosing a certain outcome when you are actually in control so that the person will be traumatized by “their own” actions. Dark was very in control of the situation. He very much knew who Sun was going to choose, but forced him into doing so in a way that would make Sun feel like it was his fault. Sun is in no way at fault for Nexus’ death. That is completely on Dark.

In the end, Sun is forced to watch his former brother, someone he still cares very deeply about, die a very violent and painful death. He is forced to think he is the one to cause it. He was already in high distress before hand from Moon’s kidnapping and attempted rescue. Now he is dealing with what is quite possibly his worst trauma yet. This forces him to shut down and dissociate from the problem.

Notice how Sun forces himself not to breakdown until he gets back to the house, and even then he goes to his own room and very quietly starts to cry. Even while he was in extreme emotional pain, he was trying to be considerate of the people around him. He didn’t want to force them to handle him while he was suffering, so he made his suffering as silent and unseen as he could. Because Sun never stops caring.

To say the least, Sun is in an unbearable amount of pain right now. It will be a very long road to recovery for him, if he ever recovers from this.

Solar

Solar seems to be the most level headed in the situation, which isn’t an odd thing. He will usually take on that role in these types of situations. He was also one of the first to say killing Nexus was their best option. He was probably the most prepared for this kind of outcome.

The thing is, as much as Solar might not like it, he is still an Eclipse. He still deals with his problems like most Eclipses do, though arguably better than others. He finds work to do, and he drowns himself in it to avoid his own feelings. Eclipses are kings of repression. Solar doesn’t want to acknowledge his own feelings, so he’s going to forget he even has them.

His current choice of work? Helping Sun. To him, Sun is obviously more hurt than he is, so his own emotions don’t matter. He feels Sun needs more help than him, so he’s not going to show any distress so that the others will focus on Sun and not him. If they focus on him, he will have to feel his feelings, and he doesn’t want that. He wants Sun better, because to him Sun obviously is the one more in need.

I think that’s one of the reasons he got so upset with Moon over the whole “go talk to Sun” situation. No one is helping Sun, and he’s confused on why no one is helping. Sun obviously needs it, why is everyone just leaving him alone? They need to go check on Sun, he’s obviously not okay right now. Why is no one helping Sun?

I thinks there’s a lot of factors at play here, besides just repression. I think is also somewhat projection and reliving trauma too. He basically lived the beginning of his life without help when he was in emotional distress. His Moon never cared about him, blamed him for Sun’s death, and constantly verbally and physically abused him. He was never allowed to grieve. Seeing Sun hurting like this and not getting help is reminding him of his own feelings in past situations where he never got help. He may not realize it, but it’s a possibility. Also, he still has the attachment to his own Sun. I don’t think he likes seeing any Sun (besides Dark) in any sort of pain.

Then there’s the last thing.

Solar had to kill his Moon.

This situation is striking way too close to home.

Solar is probably the only one who genuinely can feel empathy for Sun’s current situation. He’s the only one who knows what it feels like to “pull the trigger”. Nexus was also acting very similar to how Solar’s Moon used to act. And Solar never got any help when it happened. He didn’t even tell anyone, he covered it up and tried to forget. I think Lunar is the only one who knows about it, and Lunar never did anything about it. Solar was forced to go through nearly this exact situation, and he does not want to see Sun go through what he had to go through.

(On top of all this, Solar was very close to Nexus before his death. He’s not showing it, but he is very much hurt by what is happening. The only reason he is probably not in more distress is because he prepared for this being a possible outcome.)

Earth

To be completely honest, I have been way more focused on the others in this situation. Earth is also one of the easiest characters to read, as she verbally voices her feeling to everyone and has never really felt the need to hide them. We already know she’s upset by the situation, and is probably going to have some sort of mildly poor coping mechanism, but she is going to be the most emotionally okay out of everyone. Not because she is feeling okay, but because she’s the most in tune with her own feelings, and with how to properly handle those feelings.

I’m not saying she’s going to be perfectly okay over this. She is obviously still very hurt and troubled. I am also not trying to downplay her emotions. She is definitely going to need the others to help her. This portion isn’t short because I don’t like her, it’s just short because she is genuinely the best off in this situation. She knows how to find help when she needs it and, even better, she will ask for it.

Monty & Lunar

I’m sticking them together because I feel very similar ways about them.

I do not understand their reactions to the current situation.

Monty is more understandable. He was always closer to Moon than he was to Nexus. That much was very obvious. The moment Moon came back they got drunk and partied, and then feel right back into their old friendship. Monty was seemingly completely unaffected by Nexus’ change of heart. He very much only cares about themself and Earth.

The way he’s acting currently is not helping the situation. At all. It’s even worse than Moon’s reaction, in my opinion. Moon at least feels he is helping Sun. Monty is doing nothing. “Nexus is dead? Cool. Let’s hide this from Earth because it will hurt her and I can’t stand seeing that.” That is going to hurt Earth a lot worse in the long run if she was never told. She doesn’t like lies, even by omission. You already are hurting others by being apathetic, do not hurt Earth because seeing her hurt will hurt you. That’s fucked up.

Then there’s Lunar. I’ve already talked about my feelings on him, but I still cannot figure him out. He’s always been a very apathetic character when he’s not interested or running from emotional pain. But this? This feels almost malicious. He doesn’t seem to care. Usually when he is running, he’ll verbally tell everyone he knows what he’s doing. He knows it’s bad. But right now he is not saying anything. His is either dissociating from the problem to the point he is numb, or he is so genuinely unbothered that there isn’t any sort of care in his heart.

This doesn’t feel like Lunar. This has never been his reaction to anything before. We haven never seen this from him at this scale. It feels so violently out of character for someone who is very emotional and loud about it.

At this point, I am starting to wonder if the Star power is having a bigger effect on him than we think. We all know that the Astrals deal with apathy to most things. Even Castor and Pollux has said they don’t react to things like most people expect them to. They do not have the ability to care in a way the feels human. Since Lunar has been training to become an Astral, I’m starting to wonder if this will begin to mentally change him as well.

I am not saying that apathy is a bad thing to have. I am not saying Lunar is wrong to feel this way. I am simply saying it feels violently out of character, and is not helpful in the situation at all.

These two are currently being the least helpful in this situation. They do not care, and do not feel the need to soften their apathy and help the others. Lunar is actually the most unsympathetic out of the group, which is actually a stark contrast to how he usually is portrayed.

[babyangelsky]

Faith as a love language and why I want Ju Yeong to give Do Hoe his cross necklace

Let me preface this by saying that one, my interpretations are drawn heavily from my own personal experience as well as the culture I was raised in and two, that this is going to be very rambly and maybe not make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me. But @respectthepetty encouraged me to get this out of my brain so here we are.

In order to explain what I mean in the title of this post and actually get into the meat of it, there's two other things I need explain first. There are layers to this so please bear with me.

The first thing is that I am not and have never really been a practicing Catholic. I believe in god and have a very loose, very personal system of spiritual belief but I am not religious. My grandmother is Catholic however, a very devout one, and since she helped to raise me I would say I was partially raised Catholic. Emphasis on the partially because my beautiful mother in her infinite wisdom (and due entirely to her own religious trauma) felt it was important to give me a choice on the matter and figure out my faith for myself, which I love her dearly for.

(She also once infamously refused to kiss the ring of the local very important priest in the village she grew up in which is one of my favorite things about her)

However, I've learned that even if you are given a choice on whether or not religion will play any part in your life, that does not save you from developing religious trauma. Especially if you also happen to be queer and especially if you don't adhere dogmatically to the widely accepted--and arbitrary--set of rules that determine whether you are considered a "good (insert faith here)".

The second thing has to do with cross necklaces and why being given one is a very specific loving gesture.

I lived in Mexico for a while a couple of years ago. On the day that I was due to come back to the States, my grandma gave me a cross necklace. She didn't just give me a cross necklace, she gave me her necklace that had been custom made for her. She wanted me to have a safe flight and get home in one piece so she gave it to me.

I have worn that necklace every single day for the past two years. If I happen to wear another necklace for outfit reasons, I put my cross in my pocket. It's always around my neck or on my body. Always. And the thing is, I don't wear it to signify my belief god.

In the broader sense of faith and what it means to people, giving someone a necklace like that holds a lot of weight. Taking something off of your body, your 'self', that you trust to keep you safe and that represents your faith and your beliefs and then putting it on someone you love to keep them safe is such a visceral expression of love. It becomes a symbol of faith in a different way.

As I've established, I'm not devout like my grandma is. The necklace doesn't represent to me what it does to her. I wear it because doing so makes me feel loved and safe because she gave it to me, not because I have faith of my own.

Now, having said allllll of that.

Ju Yeong's cross necklace has been established to primarily represent not his faith, but his family's expectations. Expectations that he hasn't lived up to and that have turned that cross into a heavy symbol of his failure that keeps him shackled at all times except when he chooses to take it off. And when he chooses to take it off matters.

He took it off when he confessed to Do Hoe and again when he slept with him because in those moments he wants to be free of that burden, free of those expectations, free to just love Do Hoe without having to think about anything else. Not even god.

Because even if the necklace isn't primarily a symbol of Ju Yeong's faith, it still is a symbol of his faith or rather, the faith that he had no choice but to adhere to when he became a pastor's son. That's what makes Do Hoe misunderstand what it means for Ju Yeong to take it off when he's with him. He interprets it as Ju Yeong being ashamed, as wanting to hide his sin, as only allowing himself to love Do Hoe when god isn't watching. He's wrong, of course, but he doesn't know that. Yet. (Petty explained it better go read that post)

We haven't really gotten into Ju Yeong's relationship with his faith and with only two episodes left I don't think we will, and that's a shame because I think recontextualizing what the necklace means to him and what his faith means to him would help him heal.

(Which is something I believe anyone who has religious trauma should do at some point in their life, especially if they're queer. Religion is so often weaponized against people and something that's used to make them feel inadequate and ashamed and like they aren't allowed to draw comfort from it unless they fall in line with what it asks of them. We always think of it being used that way specifically against queer people but that isn't always the case. I'm not out to my family and I once had a relative look me in the eyes and tell me I was going to hell for not going to mass.)

Really it would help both of them heal because even though Do Hoe wasn't the one with the religious upbringing, the necklace is still making him feel the same sort of inadequacy and shame he thinks Ju Yeong feels.

Which is why I want Ju Yeong to give Do Hoe his cross necklace.

Recontextualizing what it means, allowing it to be a symbol of his faith and nothing more, and making the conscious decision to take it off of his body and put it on Do Hoe so Do Hoe knows that he's loved without shame would mean everything to me personally.

Faith is a love language. It's why Mexican mothers pin medals with the Virgin of Guadalupe on them to their newborns' onesies, why parents choose auspicious names for their babies, why the very first prayer Christian and Catholic children are taught is the guardian angel prayer, why grandmothers do the sign of the cross over their children and grandchildren and end every conversation with "que dios te acompañe", and why we put crosses on the people we love.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hello. I know I've sent in messages before but very very rarely. But recent events have caused us to have a question. Just this week, we got officially diagnosed with D.I.D and recommended the idea of getting a psychologist for the first time in my life, besides a psychiatrist. Two of my alts say they can't be serious but the other three think they are bout the psychologist and we are nervous. I saw you talking about disorganized attachment in your latest posts and was wondering if you could tell me more bout what that is because it sounds like I may have experienced that and I'm trying to understand myself and us more from others with experience with D.I.D and similar disorders. We hope that makes sense! We are still very new to all of this. Thank you so much for your time. - Us

First, congrats!!! Try to come back and tell us what therapy and the interviews are like! I'm certain my followers would love to hear about it. It's scary, I'm so proud of you ❤️

Disorganized attachment is both very complicated, and quite easy to understand. I just reblogged a couple old posts about it, but this will be shorter :)

This is my favorite image to describe it!

Note that disorganized attachment (DA, from here on) is linked to low trust in self AND others. All of these types of attachment have shown strong links to different types of disorders, but DA is most associated with dissociative disorders.

The most important thing I've learned is

Even well-meaning, well-intentioned, loving parents can cause DA

DA can be hidden trauma, its relation to neglect is much stronger than originally thought, and neglect is a lot harder to spot and understand than straight up abuse.

A quick note here: DO NOT play trauma Olympics-- with yourselves, with others, on this post, nothing. Trauma is a personal reaction to events, abuse, or neglect and can occur in response to literally anything. When it comes to CDDs, we're looking at cumulative responses resulting in psychopathology, and you don't get to decide what was enough for other people.

It's their reactions.

Mind your own business.

So, all that said, DA is about the child being both fearful and reliant on caregivers. They want to both flee to and flee from caregivers. When a caregiver is unpredictable, the child has a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the caregiver, and of themselves. In other words, the caregiver is both needed, and someone to be avoided, and the child may not understand what makes them a “good” or “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.

I'm going to throw out a couple examples here:

Parent A has yelled at you, and you're scared to go to parent B and talk about it - neither parent feels safe but they're your only source of comfort

You're hungry, but parents scold you for eating too much - you're both scared to ask for your needs and yet reliant on their abilities to meet them

Sometimes parent is attentive and kind, and sometimes very dismissive - you never know what you're going to get, but when they're dismissive, it kills your drive for things you thought you enjoyed - sometimes parent puts your art on the fridge and sometimes they throw it in the trash, and maybe that particular piece was important and you'd expected better reception

Parent gets physical when they drink but at school, parent is a model citizen and teachers and other students always tell you how lucky you are

Parents are openly homophobic and you think you might be a little gay - they're good people otherwise (you think), and maybe if you just keep that part of you down...

Parent struggles with their own mental illness and you never know what kind of reaction they'll have, but you treasure the good memories and hold out hope you'll see that side of them again, despite the many letdowns

Parent doesn't let you keep anything to yourself, it's to the point you want to avoid them as much possible, only seeing them for meals

Parent is... mean. Just flat out mean, and they'll tell you no one will listen to you. There's no point is trying to find help with other caregivers-- teachers, babysitters, friends. It's just you and them, against the world.

The start of DA is typically formed in infancy when a parent doesn't respond properly to their child. Missed feedings, not enough skin time, mixing "cry it out" with giving in, ignoring cries for food or changing. These first attachments in infancy set the tone for all your attachments going forward. Meeting needs and milestones help the brain develop in a healthy way. If some of these milestones are missed or slowed, you tend to see psychopathology of some kind as a result. Various future relationships are likely to be affected, and more often than not, you respond to your own children the same way-- a type of intergenerational trauma.

And this is only the grey areas. We haven't touched full and proper abuse and how that can affect someone.

The result of DA is that a child will try to push memories and feelings about their caregivers down so that they're not bothered-- they can interact with their caregiver, whatever mood they're in or whatever happened yesterday.

If you just kill your feelings, parent's outbursts don't hurt as much. If you just don't think about what they did to you, you can put on a smile and get through dinner.

This is, in and of itself, dissociation. A rejection of feelings or memories. DA on its own isn't very likely to cause a CDD, but with additional trauma, it's... oof.

Children with DA and suffering from abuse “are likely to generate two or more dissociated self states, with contradictory working models of attachment,” in order to handle their confusing relationship with the caregiver. This can go in several directions, not necessarily a CDD, but it becomes much more likely.

So, the child needs to maintain a relationship with the caregiver– they have no one else to turn to, so the child can develop dissociation as a way to make sense of themselves, and to maintain a child-caregiver relationship. They may “forget” the abuse, or deny it. “It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.” This fragmented sense of self may or may not develop into something worse– namely, BPD and DID based on severity, frequency, and whether there was any sense of reprieve (i.e. a child can avoid the worst of dissociative symptoms if one of their parents was more supportive, because it helps them build some positive attachments).

I really hope this helps!

Good luck, come back soon!

[hwnglx]

how would sunghoon act around his crush?

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

okay, so.. for sunghoon, the definition of a crush might be different to other people. he's a longterm relationship kind of guy, and doesn't seem to like the idea or concept of casual flings. i do think he can find a superficial appreciation for attractive people more easily, than he develops true crushes. (like he'll acknowledge someone's good looks mainly out of courtesy, but wouldn't say he actually likes them, if that makes sense) it does take a very intriguing person for him to have interest in someone.

sunghoon absolutely takes his time. he's very slow-moving. something i've mentioned and noticed in several readings now. he isn't the type to just rush in and hastily approach his target, but moreso observe them from afar, really contemplate and think his actions through carefully before proceeding. i can not lie; it's kinda giving stalker lol. the page of swords often gives off this overly curious spy and stalker energy, especially considering the lack of upfront action present in a lot of the spread. he isn't the type to make his liking obvious on the outside, and it can be pretty unclear at first.

let's say you're in the same club and sunghoon spots you from the other corner of the room.. he finds you extremely alluring and intriguing. the only thing you might be able to notice is his eyes wandering to you at times, but it's unlikely he'd go up to you right away. he would watch you closely to figure you out. sunghoon would watch you talk, laugh.. he would watch where your hands wander, if someone elses hands touch you, who that person might be, (man or woman? friend? too close friend or lover?), how that person looks at you, how close you two get, how you walk, what you like to drink.. you get the drill. there's this desire here, to already know about important and defining things such as your likes and dislikes, before actually going up to you. in that way, he can make sure he appears like his most appealing self in front of you.

once sunghoon would find, or even create the perfect opportunity for you two to connect (like he's the type to personally arrange your meeting for it to be flawless.. like figure out your schedule at college and go to you during a time when you're alone), he'd want to give you this impression of being the perfect guy for you. he'd definitely prefer a more intimate setting for you two to meet or talk for the first time, as it's important for him to focus on you completely. as well as have you see, or care about no one but him in that moment. he'd think of ways to impress you, whether that's by making sure he's looking his best, or just putting himself into this position of him embodying everything you've always looked for, or needed in a person. he'd just find ways to make you believe you two are made for each other, since best believe; if sunghoon approaches you, he sincerely believes you are the one for him. like you'll embody everything he wants in a person, so he'd want to be the same for you. he might test you, see if there even is a likelihood for you to develop the same interest. he seems very clever in that way; he can just tell if someone likes him by figuring out the smaller but important clues. like your reaction to certain questions, or the way you gaze at him. (it's giving “if i like someone, just put the two of us in a room together for 15 minutes, they'll probably walk out more obsessed than me after that” lol)

i have to say though.. the longing to act on his feelings still seems more pronounced than the action itself. meaning, i can see him being very hesitant to actively approach people as of right now. as mentioned before, sunghoon acts and approaches with a lot of intent and thought behind it; he will not pursue someone if he feels like there's no future for you two, and it can't go anywhere. there seems to be this uncertainty within him, where he can dream of circumstances ideally being different, however being very aware of his inability to fully commit to the person he loves at the moment. not only due to his consistently full schedule, him always being away at some distant place, never having enough time or energy on his hands to give his lover what they deserve. but also knowing the distance would make it hard for him to keep a watch on his person, especially if you still haven't established your connection into a fully committed and stable position. “what if i'm away and they do things behind my back?” there's some trust issues he can't seem to help. i'll say it again and again; you'll rarely catch significant scorpio placements being fond of long distance. and he just seems in a position where there's no other way.

funnily enough, this is a crush reading, which moreso is a shallow and beginning-stage sort of liking; however for sunghoon that doesn't truly seem to exist. he's either fully invested in the person he set his eyes on, or completely out.

nevertheless, the spread did end interestingly; with the ace of wands and temperance. sunghoon will expect the other party to be just as invested. if he has a crush on you, but can sense a lack of interest on your side (somehow again, it feels like this is rare for him like i don't think he's ever experienced that before and doesn't believe he ever will lmaooo, he's a confident man for sure), he will not be the type to insist and chase after you. but, if he feels like the genuine interest is reciprocated, that will awaken the spark within him to keep a hold on the connection; it'll keep his passion alive. even if he's away. you just need to make him feel comfortable, like he can trust you and isn't wasting his time and effort. he does expect a lot from his partners too, and isn't the type to endlessly pour into your cup if you don't care to do the same for him.

he only puts in effort if he feels like it's worth it. he will be the type to take some time away from his busy day and reserve it for the person of his interest; but only if he thinks the person is aware of the value behind that. he's immensely self-focused and individualistic in several ways, so whoever manages to have sunghoon shift his focus on them, is not only very special, but also manages to give him this feeling of.. “this is a person worth sacrificing my own precious time for.”

[theoceanoasis]

AU where Megatron, Soundwave, and Hot Rod are in a relationship before the war. They're all happily together but Megatron and Soundwave are still leading the Decepticons to get equal rights. It causes a target to be put on Hot Rod's head so they have no choice but to reluctantly have Hot Rod go into hiding, going back to his home city Nyon.

When Nyon burns to the ground, they're unable to find Hot Rod among the survivors they come across. Both Megatron and Soundwave mourn the loss of their partner and swear vengeance on the Senate and its followers for allowing a city to fall into such ruins, along with all the other grievances they have with the world.

Centuries pass and, one day, a neutral colony on another planet is getting dragged into the conflicts with Decepticons and Autobots because there's an attempt to recruit the Neutrals. Megatron and Soundwave make a visit to the colony to personally recruit them and the Neutrals are shocked to see them - Because they both share similarities to a bitlet who is being raised by a single carrier. They follow the directions of the hab where they come across an amnesiac Hot Rod caring for their bitty all by himself.

They're so relieved he's safe and sound and had their bitty and raised him so well.. Megatron and Soundwave introduce themselves and do their best to not scare a confused Hot Rod, who does feel like these two are familiar...

Soundwave wrapped his arms around his mate pulling him close just as a gun fired. Hot Rod looked at the smoking mark. Stunned because he'd just been standing there and if it wasn't for Soundwave he'd be dead.

His Conjunx pulled him off the stage with Megatron following and issuing orders to his fellow Decepticons to seize the one responsible.

He'd gotten death threats before but this was the first time someone tried to assassinate him.

After they'd been taken care of he was sitting on his bed looking at Soundwave and Megatron. Both his mates seemed upset with Megatron pacing. His hands occasionally clenching in rage.

"We all knew this was a possibility and I'm fine."

"Because Soundwave got you out of the way in time. What if he hadn't been there?"

"I'm fine. I chose to stand by you remember. I know the risks and fighting for our freedom is more important."

"Not as important as your life."

Soundwave shook his head.

"There's a transport to Nyon leaving tomorrow. I want you on it."

"What are you saying?"

He looked between his mates.

"Just until things blow over."

"I've gotten reports of Sentinels forces being seen around Nyon."

"What!?"

He looked at Soundwave in worry and surprise.

"Go to Nyon and help your people. We'll still be here when you get back."

He nodded reluctantly spoiler lowering.

"Fine but at the first sign of trouble I'm coming back here."

"We know."

They spent the night holding each other and slowly making love feeling every part of each other.

In the morning he was sitting on a transport leaving Kaon behind as he traveled to Nyon.

Both Soundwave and Megatron missed their Conjunx wishing they didn't have to send him away. They called every night letting their mates voice soothe them.

All three of them couldn't wait to be reunited. Especially Hot Rod who had a surprise for them.

Sadly it would never come because Zeta had destroyed Nyon. They stared at the ruins on TV and broke down. They collapsed to the floor holding each other and vowing vengeance for their Beloved.

They still went to Nyon. It was impossible not to. Both of them were hoping to at least find his body. The entire way there they blamed themselves for his death thinking if only they didn't send him away.

There were a few survivors all of them talked about Hot Rods sacrifice promising to join the Decepticons in his honor.

They stared at the ruins of Nyon. Hot Rods beloved city which was now gone forever along with their mate. It was so much worse in person and when they stumbled towards his apartment there was nothing left.

They spent what felt like days lost in a haze digging in the hopes of finding his body. Anything to comfort them but none would be found.

It only made their hatred stronger and their fellow Decepticons rallied around them as they marched to Iacon swearing revenge.

The war was long underway with the Decepticons and Autobots clashing in bloody battles. At first it was only on Cybertron but quickly spread.

The Autobots had begun recruiting on other planets spreading their doctrine to undecided neutrals.

The Decepticons quickly reached out in the hopes of stopping them from being deceived by the Autobots.

Knowing hkw important it was to gather more troops Megatron and Soundwave personally paid a visit.

When they'd gotten there the neutrals were shocked to see them which was strange because they knew they were coming. It was hard for them to go anywhere without everyone knowing.

Soundwave had been curious and decided to do some digging. Using his cassettes they spied on the neutrals who spoke of a bitty looking just like them. He lived on the edge of town with his single carrier. When they'd found him he'd still been sparked and had lost his memory. Stumbling through the nearby forests all alone.

They'd gone to visit him. Curious about this neutral and his bitty. Knocking on the door they didn't know what they'd expected, but it wasn't Hot Rod answering the door with his bitty playing behind him.

They stared at him in shock almost crashing at the sight of their dead lover. Hot Rod had stared at them puzzled because there was something familiar about them.

"Do I know you?"

"Yes?"

Megatron gasped looking at him in awe.

"You don't remember us but we are your Conjunx."

Hot Rod stared at them in shock and looked back at his sparkling taking in the similarities he invited them inside.

They tried not to scare him as they told him about his past showing him pictures of their bonding ceremony. Hot Rod looked at them in awe happy to finally know where he came from.

"Did you know I was sparked?"

"No. But before Nyon was destroyed you told us you had good news but wanted to tell us in person."

Hot Rod introduced his sparkling who was adorable and they looked at him in awe already feeling a connection.

"You did a good job raising him."

"Thanks."

Hot Rod blushed suddenly getting a memory. He gasped looking at them in amazement.

"Being around you is helping me get my memory back."

"Then maybe we can be around you more often if you'd like."

Hot Rod nodded.

"You should spend more time with your sparkling and I don't remember a lot of things but I can tell we meant a lot to each other."

Even though they were trying to be careful in fear of scaring him off. They both hugged him happy he was alive and they got this second chance.

[paigia4]

New Oldworldtale Chapter 3

"I don't give a fuck!! Even if the pain crawls all over my body, I will continue to persevere!!" ——Kare

"Who am I..." I slowly opened my eyes, and everything around me was blank... Just like a newborn baby, everything around me was blurry...

"Great! It turns out that inspiration is most suitable for the role!" Suddenly I heard a voice coming, and this voice was very sacred... I slowly raised my head and saw a woman's face appear in the blank above... She gave me a very kind feeling, as if she was my mother. I slowly tilted my head and expressed my doubts. My throat couldn't make a sound, so I could only express my doubts in this way.

"What's a good name~" The woman touched her chin and closed her eyes as if she was thinking about something of great significance. "My...name...?" I was still unable to speak as usual, but I was extremely excited when I heard that a name was given to me. My heart couldn't express my excitement at this time. Although my face was still expressionless, I was actually very happy.

"Let's name you... Jiuyuer!" The woman snapped her fingers and quickly took out her pen. She began to write and draw on my body, and slowly colors and clothes appeared on my body. I began to feel a constant flow of emotions pouring into my soul, and my soul was no longer blank... At this time, I really had emotions. "You can start trying to put him into the AU!" The woman said in her voice, and I listened to her voice and began to wonder... "Why did she... put me in the so-called AU?" My heart was full of doubts, until I stood still, and a huge amount of colors suddenly appeared around me! Slowly, these colors began to spread towards my feet.....

"Is this... AU?" When I said this sentence inadvertently, I suddenly found that I could speak! ! I no longer only have my voice! ! I looked at my whole body excitedly, I looked at every corner of my body, and my whole body was full of colors. At this moment, I suddenly found that there were snakes around my head, but I didn't have any emotional fluctuations... They didn't attack me... Instead, I felt that they were more like a part of my body. I kept listening to the sound of them spitting out their tongues, and I touched their heads with my fingers. I stood there, not knowing what to do next. I kept looking around... Suddenly I found a place with smoke in the distance.

"Where... what place?" My curiosity was instantly aroused, and curiosity drove me to walk towards the smoking place. The road under my feet was originally muddy, but as I walked towards the smoking place, the road began to become flat, and walking was no longer difficult. Along the way, I saw many kinds of indigenous people... Some of them had horns, and some had special looks. They kept talking and laughing, as if they were living a happy life. I began to wonder why they were so happy, so I walked up to two of the residents.

"Hello? Where is this place? This is my first time here and I don't know much about it." I looked at them with a fake smile and asked them with a somewhat puzzled tone. "Here? This is one of the villages in Puzzletale called Selwind! Are you from outside?! Outsiders are not common here! Welcome!" One of the residents walked up to me enthusiastically and answered my question. His expression seemed to welcome my presence. I was a little scared by his enthusiasm. I nodded to his question about whether I was from outside.

"Welcome!! You will like it here!" After seeing my answer, he shook my hand enthusiastically and shook it violently, while the residents next to him just watched silently and smiled at me. When my hand was shaken violently, I quickly pulled it out. To be honest, I was really scared by the other party's enthusiasm...

I looked at the two of them and asked, "Where is Selwind?" When I asked this question, the very enthusiastic resident pointed to a village in the distance. After hurriedly thanking them, I walked towards the village. Along the way, there were many aboriginals walking, some were taking their children out to play, and some were going out to do business. I suddenly began to look forward to the surprises that this village would bring me. I came to this village, and the village that caught my eye was holding a busy market, which was particularly lively. There were constant hawking in the busy market, and some of the residents who were hawking were selling some vegetables, and some were selling some small jewelry, etc.

My eyes were fixed on the entire village, as if I wanted to take in everything I could see, and the corners of my mouth rose unconsciously. I began to stroll around the busy market, and I saw that every resident was talking and laughing about daily meals and family matters. I walked and walked and came to a store, which sold all kinds of things. My curiosity was aroused again, and I was driven to walk into the store. In an instant, my eyes were attracted by the dazzling array of goods and I couldn't leave my sight. I felt novel, and suddenly I was attracted by a fragrance. I turned around and saw the shop owner frying something. I walked forward to see what the shop owner was frying.

I walked forward and took a closer look. I saw the boss frying tofu. The aroma of fried tofu was like a beautiful woman seducing me, refreshing. My saliva flowed down the corners of my mouth unconsciously, and my stomach started to growl. The boss heard a voice behind him and immediately turned his head. "Oh? Are you hungry? Do you want some?" After saying this, the boss looked at my face. I began to nod quickly. After the boss saw me nod, he began to pick up the fried tofu and put it into the paper bag. I kept drooling as I watched the boss pack the fried tofu, my eyes fixed on the fried tofu, as if I was going to bite the boss's hand holding the fried tofu in the next second.

"Okay! Your fried tofu!" The boss handed me the fried tofu, and I took it immediately. I picked up a bamboo stick and inserted it into the fried tofu that was cut into small pieces. The fried tofu was still steaming. I took the bamboo stick with the fried tofu and put it into my mouth. Instantly, the soup wrapped by the fried tofu gushed out of my mouth. The taste was the best thing I have ever eaten in my life. I dare to guarantee that I will love this delicacy all my life! When I was enjoying the food, I suddenly heard the boss say, "Sir, you haven't paid yet?" The boss looked at me who was enjoying the food with a happy face a little embarrassed. He really couldn't bear it and reminded me to pay... But I just came here, and my pocket was empty... I silently turned out my pocket, and there was no money in it... The boss laughed when he saw it.

"I think you are from another place?! I will put this order in the account first, and remember to pay me back when you have money!" The boss looked at me with a smile, and he generously gave me credit. I walked out of the store with fried tofu in my hand, smiling. I continued to stroll with satisfaction. Suddenly, a dog ran over from beside me and followed me. I turned to look at the dog. The dog wagged its tail and kept looking at the fried tofu in my hand. Its pitiful eyes seemed to want to melt my heart. I looked at the dog and held the fried tofu tightly in my arms. When the dog saw that I was not going to fry tofu for it, it immediately changed its face. It stood up on all fours and started barking at me. I was about to leave quickly, but suddenly I felt a sharp pain. I turned around and found that the dog was biting my calf tightly and refused to let go.

"Quick! Let go!" I kept shaking my feet, and suddenly I lost my balance and fell down, and the fried tofu in my hand also fell directly to the ground because of my unstable center of gravity, and the fried tofu in the bag fell to the ground. After seeing this, the dog picked up a piece of fried tofu and ran quickly towards the one in the distance. I stood up and looked at the fried tofu on the ground with a distressed face. "It's all dirty..." I looked at the fried tofu on the ground and had to turn around and leave. I was too embarrassed to ask the boss for a new one. I walked and walked and came to a big mountain, and suddenly a familiar voice came.

"We have to give him an identity... Then he should be the mountain god! Protect this village!" I looked up at the sky, and it was still the familiar woman. She said... She wanted to give me an identity? Or the mountain god? What a special identity... Suddenly a bright light shone on me, and I immediately felt a strong force rushing into my body, and I slowly closed my eyes. After an unknown amount of time... The light disappeared... I slowly opened my eyes, but suddenly found that the residents around me would all look at me, saying "This is a miracle! He has been canonized as the mountain god! Kneel down and worship him!" Almost all the residents in the downtown area knelt down and kept kneeling down to worship me.

I suddenly realized... this feeling was wonderful... I seemed to start to feel that this situation was also quite good... During the few days when I became the mountain god, the villagers began to build a temple for me on the mountain and offered all kinds of offerings. They kept begging me to bless them... I agreed to all their requests... Just like that... I lived like this for a full hundred years...

One hundred years later... I started to get tired of being a mountain god... because I wanted to leave the village and go somewhere else... but I found that I couldn't leave the village... I had to satisfy the residents' demands all day, and I started to get tired... One day, I suddenly had an idea... I could leave as long as I destroyed the village, right? Thinking of this, I didn't realize the seriousness of the matter, I just naively went to complete my idea immediately. I flew over the village, and all the residents looked at me... I felt very... selfish at this moment... I felt that I had helped these residents so many times, and it shouldn't matter if they helped me once... Thinking of this, the snake next to my head began to condense light balls from its mouth. "Fire..." I gave an order... The light balls condensed in the mouths of all the snakes above my head turned into shock waves and bombed the entire village indiscriminately.

Suddenly, the whole village was ablaze, and the whole village was in ruins! ! The flames almost illuminated the village at night... I had a satisfied smile on my face, and I thought I could leave here... right... but no... A familiar face suddenly appeared in the sky, it was my "mother"!! She looked at me with anger and said, "You actually did this!! You are too selfish and you don't deserve to stay in this AU anymore!! Get out of here!" After she said this, a portal suddenly appeared under my feet, and I fell into this portal... The moment I fell in, I found that there was a blank void here.

Only then did I realize the seriousness of the matter! Because of my impulse, I was driven out... I don't know how long I stayed in this void... During this period, I kept begging my "mother"... I begged her to let me go back to Au... but she was indifferent. Just when I felt desperate... suddenly I felt a hand patting my shoulder, I turned around and thought it was my "mother"... but what appeared in front of me was a skeleton with some cracks on his face... Just when I was wondering where the other party came from... he spoke!

"I know what happened to you... do you want to make a deal with me... don't refuse yet, I can help you return to your AU" The skeleton said with a cigarette in his mouth and a warm tone that made me feel warm, this warmth is like my "mother". When he said this, my eyes lit up, and when I was about to ask him what the content of the deal was, he said one step faster than me, "The content of the deal is that a skeleton will appear later, and you have to help him complete his things. As long as you help him complete his wish, you can return to your AU! How about it, it's very tempting, isn't it?" The tall skeleton said, his deal really tempted me, so I nodded frantically and agreed to the deal. Just after I nodded, the skeleton in front of me disappeared...

Thinking back to this, I was suddenly interrupted! "Jiuyuer, why do you want to be my friend, and why do you want to help me?" Kare walked in front of me and asked in a puzzled tone.

"Who knows~ It's a secret~" I said in a nonchalant tone, and slapped Kare's butt hard. "Can you not be so perverted!!" Kare's face turned red instantly after being hit on the butt! "No~" I said in a teasing tone~

(Thanks to my friend for helping me draw)

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

Who are your mutuals or friends on here – and – who do you want to be your mutuals or friends?

Before I go into this I want to say. If you're looking for friends on here, want to talk about writing, fandoms, couple cannon or not message me! I love to talk to new people. My writing and coming on here has slowed a bit but I'm happy to talk!

It was nice to go through all these and reread some of the stories I loved and see if anything was new.

Mutuals that I talk to often

@polkadotpenguin16 and I talk often. I follow her stories and we often preread each other's stuff. Also just a generally awesome human. If you like Sonny Carisi (SVU) she has quite a few stories out now. And she gives awesome recs!

@chicaotaku17 and I have recently started chatting. They recently started writing for Chicago One. They have started a light hearted HalsteadSister fic if that is your jam.

People I follow & Recommend

I put some of these in another post but they deserve the credit and maybe this will help more people find them! Seriously check them out!

@felicitysmoaksx writes fanfics for Jay Halstead & Kim Burgess (Burgstead) for my followers who found me reading RRR. They also have a wide variety of stories for Connor Rhodes/ Sarah Reese that I love! It's my two favorite couples to read for One Chicago and they are both near impossible to find.

@tropes-and-tales-archives has awesome Sonny Carisi content that I reread probably a little too much. Whistle Down The Wind is probably my favorite at this point.

@bullet-prooflove writes for so many different fandoms and does a damn good job at it. Be warned if you start going through their masterlists you will be there for days. Totally worth the hyperfixation! I go back to comfort read all the time.

@plaidbooks SVU content- you will definitely spend some time on this page before you run out of things to read! Nick Amaro and Joe Velasco got it for me.

@svuwritings SVU mostly Nick Amarou and Sonny Carisi

@itsgrimeytime has great Rick Grimes content but I don't think they are actively posting anymore. Still, check them out!

@crossbowking Some of the best damn Daryl Dixon stories you will ever read. They capture him perfectly. Binge to your heart's content.

@arrowenchantress reblogs a lot of stories I like which introduces me to new authors. I think it's Rick Grimes and Logan Howlett (X-men) content that brought me to the page.

@storiesofsvu has so many fandoms for you to choose from SVU, Chicago PD, Criminal Minds, and NCIS

@fightmewiatch I'm pretty sure that Nick Torres content brought me to their page. But I keep around to read their Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, and Teen Wolf content.

@pascalispretty SVU stories. Sonny Carisi and Nick Armaro. They also have SonnyxRafael if that tickles your fancy.

@angelwings-crossbowstrings Daryl Dixon stories- need I say more. Enjoy

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 16

Chapter 16 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Maddie gets convinced to stay by Buck. The two of them reconcile and share pieces of themselves the other has missed out on. Though they still keep things to themselves too.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: referenced domestic violence, emotionally abusive parents mention, misogyny mention, homophobia mention

~~~

Chapter 16: Abuela’s Roommate

When Buck comes home after speaking to Maddie at Abuela’s house, he feels emotionally drained and exhausted. He missed Chris’s bed time and he mourns that fact now, though he’s also glad he just gets to drop on the couch next to Eddie with a groan.

Eddie frowns in concern. He knows Buck is happy to have Maddie back again, could see it waft off him the whole shift. Had Chris slipping up really put such a dent in his mood? Was he embarrassed about admitting everything to his sister? Did she say something about it to Buck that she didn’t to him? What happened?

He quickly stuffs all those feelings down, poking Buck in the side as he gruffly asks: “What’s up with you?”

“I think Maddie is homophobic about our non-gay gay marriage,” Buck says, voice muffled by the pillow.

“What?”

Buck un-buries his face slightly and repeats: “I think Maddie is homophobic about our non-gay gay marriage.”

“Are you sure? She seemed pretty okay with it when I spoke to her. She was nice,” Eddie frowns.

“She didn’t talk about any of it. She didn’t even mention Chris. Like at all! It’s as if she was not saying anything on purpose,” Buck says. “And of course she’s nice. Your family is hosting her.”

Eddie’s frown deepens. “She really didn’t mention Chris? That’s weird. She told me we have an adorable son and that he loves his two dads. When I told her no one knew, she seemed understanding and nice.”

“Wait,” Buck comes out of his hiding place on the couch. “What did you say. Like exactly? Word for word?”

“Uh, she thanked me, then said that Abuela was nice and that we have an adorable son, though I suppose the you can be just me. That he loves his two dads,” Eddie repeats. “I panicked a bit, so she said my name and then I told her she can’t tell anyone to which she said that she wouldn’t.”

“Okay, but my name was never mentioned? And you didn’t say what she can’t tell anyone?” he asks for clarification, a small hope bubbling up in his chest. He always wants to believe the best of people, especially Maddie.

“You think she didn’t realize the other dad is you?” Eddie says, picking up what he’s putting down.

“Maybe,” Buck shrugs.

“That’s good then, right? You didn’t want to tell her yet anyway.”

“Yeah, but what if I’m wrong?”

“Do you think you’re wrong?”

“I mean, no, but I don’t know,” Buck sighs, rubbing his face. “I haven’t seen her in years, Eddie. I love her, but I don’t know her anymore. And she doesn’t know me…”

They’re quiet for a moment and Eddie has a thoughtful expression on his face. Buck gives him time to think it all over. In the end, Eddie just asks: “So what do you want to do?”

“Huh?”

“She’s your sister. What do you want to do?”

Now it’s Buck turn to think about it. When it came down to Helena and Ramon, he always let Eddie make the final call. Same when they moved here and it came to Abuela and tía Pepa, he’d been prepared to never be introduced to them should Eddie want. With Maddie it’s his family and his call. That still feels weird. Having family here.

But it’s a good weird, the kind of weird he wants to get used to until it’s normal. Maddie says she’s just passing through, but Buck wants her to stay. He’d do anything to get her to stay.

And despite saying he doesn’t know her, he does. He knows she is one of the kindest people he has ever known, that she has always been in his corner, even when it would have been better for her not to be. She’s as protective as they come. If she thought he was married, she’d corner him and question him until she was satisfied.

It’s most likely scenario. The reality he wants to believe in. However, he selfishly also doesn’t want to risk finding out he’s wrong. Not yet.

“I say we let it be,” he finally decides. The coward’s way out. “If she doesn’t know already, she’ll find out eventually and if she already knows, she knows not to talk now. Let’s not confirm or deny until we know what she’s going to do.”

He holds his breath waiting what Eddie thinks of his decision. If he’ll judge Buck for not wanting to make sure, for giving her space, even if he might be wrong. But Eddie just says: “Okay,” easily. “Are we going to tell Chris not to talk?”

“Nah, he already has and I don’t want to teach him to be ashamed of us. Even if we aren’t actually gay, we’re still two men raising him,” Buck says.

“Agreed,” Eddie nods.

Then Buck realizes something and he says: “If it is the misunderstanding we think it is, you realize that Maddie thinks that you’re gay, right?”

“It’s not the first time someone’s assumed that,” Eddie replies, rolling his eyes. It’s something he’s gotten used to. The army knowing he is married to a man hardened him a little to the assumptions and after the so manieth comment, he stopped bothering to correct people. They’ll think what they want, Eddie knows better. He’s not gay, so it’s not true what they think anyway.

Buck studies him for a moment, just to be sure. He himself is actually gay – well, bi – but Eddie isn’t and he’s from a macho culture. Ramon at least seems to think even being non-gayly married to a man is affront to not only Eddie’s, but Ramon’s masculinity as well.

However, Eddie truly doesn’t seem to care. It makes Buck feel a little warm and fuzzy inside, knowing that Eddie will have his back.

With that confirmed and cleared up, he goes back to the logistics. When Eddie took the job at the 118 neither of them could have predicted the kind of web they would be caught up in, but it’s a little too late to back out now.

Out loud Buck muses: “It might be easier if I don’t drive Chris to and from Abuela while Maddie is staying there.” It’ll put that chore on Eddie, so he checks: “Is that okay?”

“Course,” Eddie smiles.

Buck doesn’t know what he did to deserve Eddie. Eddie, who trusts him with his son, who lets him fit into his life however he can at the time. Eddie, who doesn’t care if Buck is being weird about telling his sister about their not-gay gay marriage. Who wants Chris to not be homophobic, even if he really has no stakes in it. Who doesn’t care if people assume things about him even if it would be easier for him if they didn’t.

He’d say he could kiss Eddie, but that’s not an uncommon feeling. However, it’s more on the foreground than it usually is, watching Eddie comfortably sprawled over on the couch, talking with him about raising Chris and the shape of their family.

God, some days Buck wants this to be permanent, wants to be real so bad. He knows he’s greedy, but he can’t help but want more. Want to be able to lean in and kiss Eddie. It doesn’t even have to be a full blown make out session that can lead to more, he wants the domesticity of a simple kiss as thanks just as badly. Sometimes more badly, even. He wants to share his life with Eddie in every way, wants to wear a ring on his finger and have it mean something other than convenience. Wants it to mean being wanted, never being left.

But dwelling on those things is never good. The more he lets himself dwell, the deeper he’ll fall and the harder it’ll be to ignore. He needs to prevent falling in too deep, so he can keep holding on.

“Wanna watch the next episode of that telenovella we started?” he asks to deflect.

Which might not be the smartest move, since Eddie loves them and Buck only gets invested, because Eddie is and now Eddie is sending him a beaming grin, before excitedly grabbing the remote. It’s adorable as fuck and Buck wants to scream into a pillow.

Fortunately, Buck is well versed in acting normal around Eddie when he secretly wants to squish his cheeks, maybe gnaw on his arm a little to get it all out. So, Eddie doesn’t notice.

Once the TV is on, the excitement of today catches up with Buck and he watches the show through half lidded eyes. Mostly following due to Eddie’s reactions and rants. It’s nice. Soothing. He falls asleep right there without his permission.

Some undesignated time later, Eddie is waking him up. Softly shaking his arm as he whispers: “Buck. Buck, you gotta wake up. If you sleep here, you’ll have a crick in the neck.”

“Hngn, couch is comfy,” he murmurs, burrowing his head into the back of the couch again to hide away from the shaking.

Eddie lets out an amused huff, before shaking him again: “Come on, you ass. Don’t make me drag you to the bathroom and force a toothbrush in your mouth.”

“But if I brush my teeth, I’ll have to be awake again,” Buck protests with a pout.

“And if you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities and I will take the money to fix that out of your little treat budget,” Eddie threatens, using the knowledge Buck shared against him.

“Ugh, you’re so mean,” Buck complains as he drags himself off the couch, glaring at a smug looking Eddie as he follows him to the bathroom so they can brush their teeth side by side.

In the end, he’s a little glad to have been woken up for this. Somehow brushing his teeth next to Eddie is one of his favorite things. It’s silly, he knows, but there is something so intimate and domestic about it and it sends a pleasant flutter through his stomach every time.

With their teeth brushed, they bid each other goodnight, before parting ways to climb into their respective beds. As predicted, Buck is awake again now and he spends the whole night tossing and turning, reconsidering his choice, then arguing himself into it again.

So he’s a little groggy when a small weight launches itself onto the bed, despite usually being a morning person. He groans: “Morning, Chris.”

“Good morning, papi,” Chris grins way too brightly for the early hour. Ugh, childhood chipperness, if he is anything like Eddie, he’ll grow out of it come teenagehood. But for now, Chris is here, pulling at his arm, while Buck tries to burrow deeper into his pillow. “Can you make pancakes?”

“Go ask daddy, he’s on breakfast duty,” Buck tells him, already sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, knowing what will come next.

“But daddy can’t make pancakes,” Chris whines as expected.

“And it’s a school day. You know we said no pancakes on school days,” Buck reminds him.

“It’s a stupid rule and you break it all the time,” Chris protests. And he’s right too. Buck is a weak man and he knows he works on weekends from time to time, so he makes them on school days too, because then he has time. So, it is technically a rule, but not an enforced one.

“Alright, alright, I’ll make pancakes,” he caves, because of course he does. “Go wake daddy.” Even if Eddie is gonna go back to sleep after breakfast, he’d want to kiss Chris good day.

“Okay,” Chris says brightly, before climbing out of Buck’s bed to go barge into Eddie’s room.

Buck watches him go with a smile, before getting out of bed and pulling on the clothes he finds first on the chair of limbo. Since he is in uniform for work often, he doesn’t wear his clothes long enough for them to get laundry dirty, so they live on the chair until he has a day off again. He always gets clothes that go with all his other clothes, so he can just pull on whatever.

When he’s dressed, he goes to the kitchen. Chris is already there, he had heard banging on Eddie’s door, but it seems Chris didn’t go in, too excited about pancakes to properly wake Eddie when he can go in the kitchen to talk Buck into making chocolate chip pancakes.

He is about to pour the first of the batter in the pan when Eddie comes stumbling in, still in his pajamas and his hair a mess. Chris gives him a big smile as he informs him: “Papi’s making pancakes.”

“Yes,” Eddie cheers, lighting up and waking up more at the news. The love for pancakes is something the two Diaz’s share and it’s adorable.

Still, Buck sends him a deadpan look, making Eddie rub the back of head sheepishly. Then Buck grins and shakes his head fondly. “Good morning. There’s coffee in the pot.”

“You’re the best,” Eddie tells him, pouring the coffee and gratefully cradling the warm mug. Noting that Buck is dressed, he asks: “You driving Chris to school?”

“Yeah, gonna swing by Abuela after, see how Maddie is,” Buck answers.

Eddie gives him an understanding nod, but they don’t continue on about the topic, instead turning to Chris and asking what is he going to do at school today.

Breakfast is a pleasant affair and after Eddie gives Chris a kiss on the head, wishing him a good day, before returning to bed, like Buck had predicted. Buck himself does as he said, driving Chris to school, before going to Abuela’s house.

Abuela opens with a smile and hugs him. After they’ve said their hellos, she tells him he has a lovely sister, which is both nice to hear because he wants Maddie to be liked and Abuela probably wouldn’t like her if she’d said anything homophobic.

He doesn’t know that both have been avoiding the husband topic out of politeness. Abuela still isn’t sure if she can say and Maddie thinks that while Abuela knows, her generation means that she prefers not to mention it. So they exist in a limbo outside of it, having bonded over different topics instead.

Maddie is out in the back garden and Abuela gives the two some privacy to catch up. So, he joins her with some tea, handing a cup to her too as he says: “Looks like you two are getting along. She might just adopt you and not let you leave.”

“I’m probably not going to stick around long enough for that to happen,” Maddie replies, smiling to look disarming, as if she is joking, but there is a tightness to that smile and a tension to her posture that sets Buck’s teeth on edge.

She is trying to hide, trying to run. Before Buck let her and he regrets it so much. He can’t let her do it again. He won’t. So he says: “Why not? Maddie, what really happened with Doug? Why are you running away from him?”

“No,” she’s shaking her head, almost moving as if to leave. “I’m not gonna bring my little brother into this.”

And he already kind of knew, but this only confirms it. It also only solidifies his resolve to keep her close. “Standing in between you and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing. Maddie,” his voice turns from fierce to almost pleading, “are you in some kind of danger?”

Apparently almost a decade of no face to face contact has not hardened her to his pleading eyes, because she sags back in her chair and sighs: “The stuff that mom and dad hated about him, that you picked up on even as a teenager, it all got worse. Much worse over the last year or so.”

She swallows thickly, tears gathering in her eyes. Buck wants to comfort her, but doesn’t dare breathe or move for fear that she’ll stop finally telling him what’s been happening.

“When I threatened to leave, he threatened to kill me.” Her voice breaks properly now, the mask of strength chipped away to nothing. “And he meant it.”

Fucking hell.

Buck wants to get on the first plane to Pennsylvania and give Doug a piece of mind. Preferably with his fists. But Buck knows he’s not a fighter and that will end badly, not to mention that it’s not what Maddie needs right now. And what Maddie needs is far more important than anything Buck wants to do to Doug. So, he just holds out his hand, waiting for her to grab it, before he squeezes softly in support.

The gesture earns him a watery smile, before Maddie continues: “You know, when women in abusive relationships used to come into the hospital, I got to be honest, I would pass judgment. Like, why don’t you just leave him? Now I get it. It’s like you can’t even believe it’s happening.”

“But you broke free,” he reminds her, finally speaking. “And I’m proud of you.” Because he is and she needs to know that, but she also needs to know that she doesn’t have to be alone, so he tells her that too.

Looking at her face, she isn’t entirely convinced. She looks as if she wants to believe him, but can’t imagine that such a thing is true.

It breaks Buck’s heart and he is quick to suggest. “You should stay. Here. With Abuela and me and the 118, alright? Abuela loves you and otherwise I have room, I promise you can always ask. You’ll get my room, I’ll take the couch. All the privacy you want. And if Doug comes looking, then- then I know a lot of cops.”

At that Maddie gives him a small smile, eyes hopeful, and that is all Buck can ask for, especially when those eyes turn determined. “He won’t,” she says. “He doesn’t know you live here. He doesn’t know what you do. It’s a real benefit to being married to someone who doesn’t ask any questions.”

It’s a weak attempt at lightheartedness, but Buck doesn’t challenge it, instead matching her smile. He has permission to cling to her now. “Okay, that’s perfect. You can start over. I can help you. I can help get you a great nursing job at one of the hospitals.”

“No.” The answer surprises him and he’s sure his whole body pauses. Maddie explains: “I really miss helping people, but I can’t do that job every day, looking over my shoulder, wondering who’s walking through the front door.”

“Okay,” Buck nods thoughtfully, mind whirring. “So you want to help people, but not deal with them face to face.” He is neck deep in the helping people business – in all facets of that job – so he should come up with something. It hits him. “Yeah,” he grins. “I think I might have an idea.”

Maddie gives him a skeptical look, much like when she still lived at home and Buck had another idea for an afternoon activity that ‘will totally be so fun. Maddie, please, come on.’

“9-1-1 dispatcher,” Buck reveals proudly, a little smug when Maddie skepticism gets replaced by surprised delight.

“9-1-1 dispatcher,” she repeats, sounding it out and testing it on her tongue. “That sounds… interesting.”

“It is, they’re integral to the entire first responder system,” Buck says excitedly. “I interact with them every day. They make sure everything keeps running and keep people calm until we get there, they help them through the emergency before we can reach them. You’d be great at it.”

He is so excited about the idea and Maddie’s heart melts a little. She has missed Evan. Missed her little brother.

All these years she missed him, worried about him, clung to every card she got, hoping they’d never stop, because they were the only thing holding her together. Actually seeing them is the equivalent to the temporary studs being replaced by structural repairs.

She has always been his protector, but he’s always been her comforter. When she was fighting with her parents, he’d cuddle up with her, and when she was angry with Doug as a teen, he was there to try and cheer her up.

Evan has always been a helper. He’d stand next to her in the kitchen, watching her make a sandwich with big eyes and handing her the peanut butter jar. He’d tell their parents Maddie stayed with him after a nightmare, when she’d snuck out with friends. He’d given her an offer to get out, before it got worse than it ended up being and kept reaching out, even when she didn’t come with him.

And here he is, years later, still reaching out, still covering for her to her parents, still handing her what she needs. She loves him for it. She loves him so much.

The love she feels for him bubbles up in her and she pulls him into a big hug as she fiercely whispers: “Thank you so much. Thank you, Evan.”

“Of course,” he whispers back, holding her back equally tightly and equally fierce. And for as long as she needs him to.

When she lets go, she clears her throat. Even after everything she just told him, she wants to be strong and not cry on him. So, she says: “So. Uhm, what’s the Buck all about?”

“Oh, well,” Evan blushes, “it’s a nickname. There were a lot of Evan’s in my class at the fire academy. It kinda stuck,” he explains, then softly he adds: “I like it.”

It’s quiet and vulnerable, despite being so simple. She remembers Evan being yelled in the house, loaded with the heavy disappoint of not being someone else. How he has always shrank away from it, unless it was her saying it. Being Buck instead of Evan looks good on him, she wishes she could have been there to see him grow into himself, but she guesses she just has to learn to live with the ache of finding out about all the things she missed out on when she let him walk away.

Her smile is probably a little watery, but her voice is strong as she says: “I like it too. Buck.” And the blinding grin she gets in reply is worth everything she missed out on, because he is here now in front of her. Happy. Happy looks so good on him too. It hurts that it’s an unfamiliar expression on his familiar face.

They continue to catch up in Abuela’s back garden. She learns a lot about the people she met yesterday, surprised when Buck mentions Eddie started recently, with how easily he offered his grandmother’s house, she assumed he must have known them all for a while already now.

It’s also clear to her that her little brother is a little enamored with the man. He hasn’t mentioned anything about his sexuality to her. Another thing she missed out on.

She is already planning for the inevitable heartbreak when Eddie feels comfortable enough sharing that he has a husband. A husband who isn’t Buck. She hopes chocolate ice cream is still his favorite, that that hasn’t changed in all these years. That she still knows pieces of him.

Besides that, she gets some extra information on Chimney, the cute firefighter from the station she saw briefly. It’s not that she is going to do anything, she isn’t even sure she’s going to see more of Buck’s coworkers (other than Eddie, of course), but she wants to know anyway. So she has a better picture to fantasize.

Maddie has gotten really good at fantasizing to cope and Chimney is definitely someone she wants to fantasize about. He sounds like a good guy. She can use a good guy.

By the time Buck leaves, he feels less like a stranger she used to know and more like her baby brother. Plus, she has a job and a ride for her first day. Maddie has stopped having hope or being optimistic years ago, but something about Buck makes her want to try again. The smile doesn’t leave her face the whole day.

~~

A/N:

If I think about the Buckley siblings for too long, I go insane, istg.

Also their little lie getting out of control is so iconic to me, I love writing stories where one small thing gets out of hand and them not just ripping the band aid with Maddie now, is the beginning of the end xp